Archive for May, 2015

Methel Ratslapper from Gersonville Pennsylvania writes …Dear Hughy: What does an ornathological opthamalogist do….?

From Ole hughy

.

Well………..An ornothologist is a scientists that studies Fowls.

.

All Fowls are birds……All  birds are fowls…..

All chickens are birds…. But not all birds are chickens.

All birds that are not chickens ….are glad they are not chickens..

Because all people that go to Kentucky Fried

or Chick Fill Aye eat chickens.

Lots of em…

.

Now……… an opthamologist….is a feller that works on EYEs…so living things can see better…..

Thusly , I can only assume that an ornathological opthamologist is a person who

does a FOWL Job of facilitating a BIRDS EYE View…

.

The National Association for Associations that cant Find an Applicable Affiliation with any other Association (NAAFAAA) writes dearest Hughbert,…..We are associating ourselves with some associates that are quite unsociable….but , frankly , that has nothing to do with our question….. We knead two no simply this…? What is the best way to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?

.

From Culinary and Psychiatric Hughy

.

Thank you sew much for this timely inquiry.

Preparing a Turkey for Thanksgiving needs to begin now….

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ahead

of thyme.

.

If you wait until the last minute to let a bird

know what’s fixin to happen, THEY PANIC.

.

So I generally suggest to my clients that they start mentioning

vague things to the turkey several daze ahead of  time

regarding the approaching crisis….

.

Such things as

“Hi Turkey,,….How you feeling today?

You look Pale.”

or……………….

“Hi turkey…….

Don’t look so…. down…….Everything’s not

going to be ok.”

or……………..

“If you think it’s bad today……just WAIT”….

.

These seemingly innoccuous commentairees begin to

innnoculate the fowl mentally

and give them the idea that “SOMETHINGS UP”.

.

Here is the general rule………

NEVER SURPRISE A TURKEY.

.

Prepare them ahead of time.    You’r Welcome

.

Manfred Crabgrass from a Shrimp boat ….lost on the vast upper regions of Lake Michigan…. writes… dear Hugh…..My wife left our vacuum cleaner running over night to help keep the dust level lower in the room… (she figgered it would catch free roaming air particulates by sucking them through the filters)…What it actually did was vacuum up our two dachshunds and the neighbors Amazonian Double-Beaked Parrakeet. How is the best way to remove them from the filters….?……. and will the pets need counseling…?

From Pet rescuer Hughy….

.

Well………….You came to the right place on this…. We are the experts on Dachshund retrieval.

.

First of all………..It is important that you panic.

This is key.

You MUST panic before doing anything productive here.

 Now, after that……..

.

Simply reach down into the auxiliary dibtwine actuator…

and release the gobsponder……

Then pull the filter UP with a single motion.

.

Next………..tell the dachshunds that QUOTE………

“EVERYTHING WILL BE OK”

while you grasp the disoriented PARAKEET

by the left foot

and NON CHALANTLY……

pull it out into the safety of your CAT FREE living room.

.

Then just pull the SHORT LEGGED WEEEEEENY DOGS out by their long snouts………………….

And WAH LAH………… All is well……..

.

BUT TELL YOUR WIFE to STOP this stuff………… I may not be around forever to help you fix these messes.

Ozzy Washbourne from Fryburg Virginia writes ….Dearest Hughy old buddy old pal…….. I am Humpty Dumpty’s attorney. You revealed facts about an ongoing Investig Ation. (which ain’t good) Humpty is planning to sue whoever it was that pushed him before the “great fall” ordeal……At first we thought it was Little Miss Muffet… But our investigatation revealed that she was in Peoria, sitting on a tuffette… And consuming rotten milk and gluten filled wheat products. So she certainly was not up to feeling weel enough to push an egg off a wall…. Questions remain. Do you happen to know from your sources, WHOM MAY HAVE PUSHED MY CLIENT?

From legal Hughy

.

Im so sorry OZZY WAZZY……………… There is no conclusive evidence that he was PUSHED. All of that is merely circumstantial….

.

I personally wonder if it could have been a disgruntled chicken.

But there is something FOWL, going on hear.

Make no mistake. This is not going to be OVER EASY.

Eggsackly what transpired is known only to three witnesses…… I.E… The BUTCHER, THE BAKER AND The Candlestick Maker…

But they are in witness protection for three years…..

.

We can only surmise the various plots to scramble this Egg Story.  Whomever wrote this …(I guess it was Shakespeare)… Should have known better . than to have a story depend on the survival of a WALKING EGG. Even a handle with CARE label, wouldn’t have done any good….

.

POACHERS are going to get involved in this search for the egg…..and the miscreants that were central in the promulgation of this diatribe. Yes, I said PROMULGATION.

I dont know what it means , but thats fine….Just being able to spell it.. makes me feel good.

Deelia Smaterlich from Buzzard Bust South Carolina writes …Dear Hugh…. It is my understanding that, in the infamous tale of Humpty Dumbpty, …all the kings horses AND all the kings men, were simply unable (or perhaps unwilling) to reassemble Mr. Dumpty. Is this the case? Does history corroborate this account? and is it true?…also, Id like to follow up if I may….?

From NON FOLLOW UP ALLOWER HUGHY

.

NO……….YOU MAY KNOT FOLLOW UP. Not after asking three distinct and different questions that were redundant…!

.

The story of Humbty Dumbty is an ongoing mystery to millions…..and is filled with intrigue and deceit, misinformation, and counterproductive yakking. (It was very similar to a normal day in Washington D.C.) In fact , if SOME of our leaders hadn’t been red this silly egg story, maybe they wouldn’t be as messed up. (but, I digress)

.

Where was I………….. Oh yes, Ole Humbty Dumbpty …………. The fact of the matter is EGGZACTLY this….

.

Humpty had severe inner ear problems and he

knew better than to be crawling around up on

the silly wall IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT OHHHHH NOOOOOOO! ….He just had

to try to retrieve his new FRISBEE.

BAD IDEA.

….. It is also the case that , while the kings men did seek to be useful

in saving the EGG GUY……

the horses didn’t do squat.

It is what it is.

There are other things to be considered here also….Such as …Who on earth wrote the silly story in the first place?….

But I digress……………………

Zelma Egleflatte (a taxidermist) from Omlette Squish Tennessee writes Dearest Hughy:;;;;;;;; I’m feeling stuffed…..I think I knead more fiber in my diet…..I know you have counseled many others in this regard… What should i do?.

From Fiber boy Hughy…….

.

Well……………… A taxidermist feeling stuffed……..

I’m a little bit afraid you may be trying to make a joke.

.

Which, as you well know,…….. Is NOT ALLOWED HERE.

.

At Hugh’s Answering Service, we strive daily to approach serious issues….with contemplative and legubrious answers

that lead our readers to better, more balanced approaches to the world around them..

.

We have received millions of letters…… from several different people……. about how our advice has affected their lives. Most of em have been really disturbing,…. But I know its because they didnt acthughally do what I told em two……

.

One lady com planed that her kidds can’t spell ani mower…… But EYE TAKE NO REESPON Sibility four thatte.

.

Now, just in case you were serious about the fiber thing……. I recommend eating old redwood picnic tables.

Half a bench per week.

.

 

Little Timmy Smith writes in today….Dear Hugh …I know how important it is for you to answer all the ridiculous questions that come across your enormous desk…. But could you take a day off to come help me with my geometry homework?

From Hugh

.

I most certainly will not Timster. For your own good.

.

I never was any good at knowing where

countries are located on a map.

And Frankly, I don’t know

if the maps are right or not…..

.

What with running the SERVICE and all…..I have not got time to be sailing off across the ocean blue to check the angles and latitudes and platitudes to make sure those globe thingys are accurate..

.

If they’ve got those maps wrong…..

Somebody’s in big trouble…..

And my guess is, that nobody really nose for sure.

There is no weigh that Australia is sitting out there

in the middle of nowhere like that ..

when everybody elses big ole countries are

kinda hooked together to other stuff.

.

Plus, they’ve got the oceans WAAAAAY toooooo big……

I went to the edge of that Atlantic one…..and

It didnt look near as big as what they’ve got it on that map.

Somethin aint right.

.

Stick with me son………I wouldn’t lead you astray………………………………….(much)’

%d bloggers like this: