Archive for March, 2015

Ursula Banderas from Rocky Edge Missouri writes dear Hugh; I love to sing…I really love it….and I sing real Loud…Due to the preceeding facts, I am alone an awful lot. I have even noticed that small mammals vacate the premises when I hit the high notes. I have heard that you are a crooning machine.That you often even hit notes that are heretofore unknown to mankind…..What tips can you share with me to hep me really git down and regain my friends (and pets)….?????….?

From Singing Machine Hughy

.

Howdy Ursula………(Do you mind if I use a more “HIP” name for you since we are dealing in show biz stuff?) Thanks, …I’m gonna call you “Urssee Baby”…….

.

Now,…………..Urssee Baby ole gal……The first thing you gots to do is take a chill pill …..Being friendless and petless isn’t all that bad …..as long as you don’t notice it or admit that it’s true. Start out by just denying reality. That always turns out real good ,as time passes. )NOT!!!!!!!!)

.

Nevermind that suggestion….

,

Here’s the deal ole chicky……………..Sing from the diagraghm…….Take a deep breath,….Tilt your head back at 63 degrees….((EXACTLY 63 degrees…..MEASURE IT. )))  Let your tongue drop slightly to the left……. then

.

FLOSS YOUR Teeth!!!!!!!!!! What in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I had realized what a mess your mouth was in, I never would have even taken this question.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Land sakes alivin’!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

Where was I……………………….Oh yes…………….After the previous steps…….Start the song…..IF THE ROOM EMPTIES IMMEDIATELY, reassess steps one through 7 and try it again.

.

Sorry, I’ve got to run…………………I’ve got to gargle with some honey and motor oil to get ready for a program for the Spatula Manufactureres convention tonight in Peoria.




Bennie Ray Boosenbaum from under a table Inside a banquet Hall at a hotel in Bloomingdale South Carolina writes dear Hughy: I inadvertently got locked in the building last knight after the International Squash Growers Convention’s annual seed Analysis meeting. I just slept under the table and tried to be inconspicuous. Are you inmpressed with my use of the words “INADVERTENTLY and INCONSPICUOUS”” …? I’m trying so hard to follow your example of linguistic anomaly applicationalism and increase my heretofore lackluster verbage and vocabulatany. How am I doing Ole Hughbert?

 

Ole Hughy says

.

Welllllllllllllllll……………..Bennie ole Boy………….

.

I mussed say ……….that you are really comin along…………..Thank you for your encouragement. We hear at the SERVICE do strive daily to provide stellar and top notch examples of how to be AWL you can BEE from a literary stanpoint.

.

Having studied the works of Shakespears and a guy named Edwin…………………for over three weeks at a local college…..I feel compelled , indeed DRIVEN,…………to disseminate the information that is tucked away deep in the folds of my cranial template.

.

Why should I…..OF ALL PEOPLE,………..hoard tidbits that could and shall…make your world a patter place to bee livin inn…?

/

My head is so full of insight into Hamlet, Rockmaniof, Romao and Hughliet, Conjugation of sentences ….and hesitance to end sentences on prepostions…THAT I AM CALLED BY DUTY to pass it own too The teaming masses.

.

My expose’ of FONICS allone has changed the lives of over thirteen people….(and one semi-literate baboon in the Detroit Zoo…Dont ask me how he got internet service)

.

You are all so very welcome. Don;t Thank me…….Really. Please Don;t

……..I’m off to give a soliloquy out on an lonely islolated balcony stoop.



Freddie Trunclid from Carbeurate’ France writes……..Dear Hughbert: I have been accused of being a Fuddy Duddy. However I deny it. I may be FUDDY but ….I”m not DUDDY…and , thusly, the assertion is rendered invalid. Are you impressed by my rational approach to maintaining my Cool Suave Image?

From Hughy

.

Well………………………..I’m quite touched by your imperical mental meanderings. Clearly you have thought this almost through.

.

BUT………….The official Handbook of “What Stuff Means”……..states clearly…..That “anyone whom is a FUDDY…is by definition, also a DUDDY.”

So…You are out of luck and are in fact,…what you have been told you are.

.

Take comfort however in the simple fact that you are not alone. There are numerous Fuddy Duddies running around out there. Interestingly, most Fuddy duddies are over 50 (((BUT ….Librarians, Math teachers and people who sell Car License Plates are often Fuddy Duddies at 25-30 years of age….and can become DOUBLE FUDDY and Super Duddy by 65)))……..{{{{{{{{Oh the hughmanity!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an awful thing to contemplate}}}}}}}

.

This phenomenon has been studied expensively, and without any concrete findings, as of yesterday. Why Liberrians can become fuddy duddies so early in life has been attributed to various societal and environmental factors….but results are inconclusive.

.

We here at H.A.S. are petitioning the White House for a few billion dollars to study this issue. I don’t think it’ll be a problem to get it, given the fact that

………………………………they’ve spent billions  on stuff even more utterly absurd than that.


Duds Pictures, Images and Photos

Ellen Trudeau from Gobbler’s Nob Tennessee writes in today,….Dear Hughy: I have been reading your lackluster posts for way over a year….I have noticed a great deal of misspelling….Frankly, I find it outrageous. Did you not study English? Do you not have a spell-checker? Do you not care about your influence on the hundreds of millions of children whose parents read your posts and lower their grammatical standards due to YOUR BUFFOONERY ….And why do you make fun of PHONICS…?

From Hughy

.

Hel oh to my freqwent reeder  Ellen,

/

Eye appreecee8 yoor takeeng thyme two right inn.!!!!!!

.

As I’m sure you suspected, …..I have to put you on probation for sending in sew mini qwestchuns at wonce.

.

But that is pprobably watt ewe wer wonting……………………..So I’m going to give you blanket amnesty.

Now look Ellen ole gal…………..

You and eye bothe no that EVEN THE WORD …..”PHONICS” isn’t spelled using fonics. It should be FONICS. And you know it.

.

I will be expectorating you to agree with me quickly and to send in a rescinding retractionism of your scathing diatribe. Agreeing with H.A.S. is a good policy for you to begin to implement……….It will make your world a better place in which to do whatever it is that you are doing .. now that you no longer run the Spatula Manufacturing plant in Gobblers’ Knob……..

.

And, buy the weigh,

How is your Pot -bellied pig doing at his bi-weekly BAG-PIPE Lessons ????????????????????????? .




Timmy Nutone from Clang Kansas writes in today’s brilliant question…..dear Hughy,,,I know that you ar linguisticallistic prodigy and , as such , do not end sentences with prepositions in stuff you write about. So I turn to you for an definitive tidbit….regarding English and LiBRARY science….What is the passed tents of the word baby-sat? …and where would eye go in a Liberry to look up information to corroborate your answer….?

.

From Ole Hughbert

.

Hi Timmy boy………………..You have indeed turned to the write place. Make no mistake that about.

.

And LOOK>>>>>>>>>>>>> YOU HAVE KNOW NEED of checking with a Liberry or a LIBERIAN about this……Many of the Liberrians are stuck behind a desk re-evaluating the Hughy decimal System…….and are two busy to hep you.

.

TRUST MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

.

Now……

The word under discussion is BABY-SAT…Past tense.

.

The conjugablation past tense of BABY SAT Comes about as follows……I will baby sit…..He will baby sit….She did baby sit….

They said they would baby sit…..and they did baby sat…….Also We BABY sat…….Then we were called again and we baby satted…….We have baby satted….They have baby satted………and by tommorrow night we will have babysatted again…..

.

But the big question is still………..”While you baby sat, were you called upon by the forces of nature to have to change a STINKY diaper.?” Therein

lies the real issue…..

.

.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE>>>>>

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
babysitter Pictures, Images and Photos
Look at this next one real closely….HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.
Babysitters Pictures, Images and Photos

Xavier Carlsbad III from upstate Florida writes in today………….asking quit simply….and succinctly ….Whom discovered America and all the folks that were already living hear?

.

From Hugh

.

Well…………….this is a touchy subject for folks whom are sensitive about it and also don’t trust my answers.

.

The first person actually hear was a pickle farmer named Edwin……back in 102 B.C.

He claimed the whole place for himself from coast to coast …but COULDN’T seem to keep it mowed.

.

So he tried to sell it…..but since there was no one else here….that didnt go too well.

.

He passed away and it was 400 years before some Indians  got lost while chasing a water buffalo in the Andes Mountains….One thing lead to anothern

….and they commenced to set up camp all over the place and got all upset with other folks for wantin to do the same thing.

.

It was a perty bad situation……….

.

After all that…..Some cat named Columbo rode over on a ship that was lost….and when he landed, he said he discoverd the joint even though there was thousands of folks already here….and PERTY MUCH sold the stupid idea to the rest of the world. So much so that there is a holiday named for his self even know that we know what really went down.

.

I know Ive kinda dealt with this before……but im dealin with it again to make sure that the scientificalistic commhughnity doesnt’ let thses factoids slide under the table…….

.

Colombo dont deserve no holiday…………He aught to have been kicked in the seat of his britches for mistreatin the folks he found over here and then claimin that HEEEEEEEEEEEEE discoverd the joint.


Panda Bearmane’ from Ipswhitch Ontario writes inn twoday…Dear Ole Hughy: My entire house has developed a moose problem. I am finding them in the sink, in the linen closet, around old piles of crackers that my three year old great grandneice leaves in the corners of her room….and even in the laundry basket. I understand that you have invented a better moosetrap….Will that work in this case?..and do you have any further advice for me?

.

……..From Hughy.

.

Welll………………..As my staph and I have sat hear looking your posted question over……………..(instead of over-looking your question..)

…We are somewhat perplexed. Unsure as to weather or knot you have a problem with MOOSES or MOUSES….?

.

Let us assume momentarily that your spelling iz correckt and that you actually have a house which is infested with MOOOSSES….

.

YOU”VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM……….The average moose weighs 1200-1500 pounds…..Which means the traps I sell, won’t do you a BIT of good.( But you might could go the local horse supply store and buy a bridle and a BIT…..and rig it on the rascals where you can ride em around in the house.)

.

I would say to get some of the glue traps and try that,………but Im afraid all you’ll end up with ….is MOOOSES running around with white squares stuck all over em. Science has not yet developed a really effective MOOSETRAP for indoor use. You could set moose food outside on the patio and then leave the doors open. At this point they may be lured into the outdoors by their inherent yearning for proper sustenance. Once outside they can be SHOOOED into the neighbors yard….or perhaps you can put signs on em and sell advertising as you walk em around on a leash.

.

Sure, it sounds unusual……….BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!!??????????? I can’t be expectorated to know how to handle something this goofy. Whom ever herd of such a thang.??????????

……………..And one more thing Panda Ole Gal……………….If you mistreat those varmits…YOU”LL GET CHARGED WITH A MOOSEDEMEANOR.



%d bloggers like this: