Archive for November, 2013

Motley Trudeaux from Ept Tennessee writes in today referencing yesterday’s insightful H.A.S. posting. Dear Hugh: What causes me to feel a need to take aspirin? ….and what is the most frequent cause of basic, simple, body aches and pains….?

Hugh's Answering Service (H.A.S.)

From Hugh.


Thank you so much for this opporthughnity to illucidate the unwashed throngs with the radiant beams of medicinal knowledge. We hear as H.A.S. are mower than glad to help.


The definitive answer to both of your inquiries is simply this……….SOMETIMES YOUR BODY IS SIMPLY LOW ON ASPIRIN. ……..


In a healthy human body,…Aspirin is produced in the Adjunct Matriculatoratory Gland (AMG) at the rate of roughly 1.2 gbt’s per second…From time to time, various and sundry factors confibulate the productory adules and present in a manner that adriptifies the gamulin. While this is generally misunderstood….It is still clear. And is what I said it is.


So basically, If you eat foods that are rich in aspirin and other nutrients that facilitate aspirin production in the AMG you will be fine. Otherwise you will have to purchase a bottle full of Acetycilic Acid Tablets…………..Simply…

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Little Mikey Ratslinger from Tuscumby Alabama writes on this day after Thanksgiving …Dear Mr Hughy: I just got a spanking for telling my mommy that I was thankful for all that I have learned from you. My hindquarters are sore and she made me say I was sorry for reading your posts. I’m gonna have to unsubscribe and my heart is broken. However she says I can have an old phone book to read. Goodbye ye ole giver of information!!!!!!!! I bid thee Adieu….and adieu……

Hey Mikey: I’m so thankful for your support over your whole life up till now. (all three years) You have wisely chosen to obey your mommy. …….

In time she will learn to appreciate the gems of knowledge that I freely cast out to the yearning masses. But be patient. And do what your mommy says.


In times of crisis you can always mention H.A.S. as a possible solution. But do it from a distance.

Right now: Just be thinking of ALL the great things you have to be thankful for…..There are sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many many wonderful blessings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Willodean Gersop from St Louis Missouri writes in an utter panic…Dear Hughy…..the family came to my house for dinner today. I have worked myself silly, been cooking for three daze,…..and even dusted the top of the frigerator and mopped the floor with that fancy stuff. Now I have tons of leftovers and dont know what to do with em. what to you reccccommend?

from Hughy




Wellll Willodean, I suggest

EMAILING THEM to friends who

like the specific things you have left…..

There is a new app for the IPHONE

that will digitally send squash casserole

and green beans.

(with only minimal mess)….



If you have a Droid…there is an

app called FOOD FLINGER that

will send even ham ,with bone

included, to anyone else

who has a Droid.




these apps are still in BETA and are not yet perfected….but are really really good. You will , however, need to have your phone dry cleaned after sending two or three days worth of food. Squash is bad to get stuck under the “send” key on the Droid.



You are welcome……

Dulcee Mure’ from Paris France writes dear Hugh: Do you have a photogenic memory? .

Howdy Dulcee:

What’s shakin over there in

French Land….?

Your question is very very

intuitive and ,

it has a big word in it…

that will empress my billions

of  daily readers.


In fact I do have a photogenic memory.

Photogerialismic scans of my brain

always look really really nice……

When I have pictures taken of my

cranial contents,

(once the laughter dies down

among the technicians),…….

the pictures always turn out in a

stellar manner..


There is one picture of my

prefrontal lobomatan

cortexual ganglia…

that looked so good that

various magazines vied

for using it on the cover.


But the only one I would

license it to was a

Bowling Alley Maintainance

publication put out by a

group of mechanics in

upstate New York…….

Thanks for the opportunity

to address this important

aspect of things……..

Slyma Wideman from Reading West Virginia writes dear Hugh: Are librarians trustworthy and docile…..or are they generally “time bombs” just waiting to make a lot of noise in another public place that is supposed to be quiet….?

Well Sylma: Librarians are a tricky

and elusive bunch. It is difficult to

get a good interview with one of em

’cause they’re always telling you to

“BE QUIET”!……My suspicion is that

librarians are a POWDER KEG of noise

…on the inside……….


I once knew a

“Keeper of the Books” who ,

under cover of darkness

and annonnimity,

would sing Johnny Cash’s

song “Folsom Prison”

at the top of her lungs

while running up and down

the streets of random

neighborhoods after 10 pm.


I think it is safe to say that they are

a perilous bunch to with deal.

(I couldn’t end on a preposition)….

Anwar Krugman, an olive oil extraction expurt from Seattle Warshington, writes inn today………..Dear hughy, I know that in the southeastern United states there is a creature called the WOOLY WORM, which is often utilized by weather prognosticators to determin something or other…..What is it? and what does it mean when a WOOLY WORM crosses the rode from North to south in the 10th month of the year?


Dear Whoever from Where ever…from ole Hughy



What it means is this………..

It means the worm is goin to get run over

in Novemeber. Duh.


It also inculcates , by virtue of

his or

her posture in relation to the


polerization of the globe,

…that the worm will be pointed south

when it gets squooshed.


(assuming that it was not

backing across the rode.)



Little Bunky Liverlip from the Waldorthf Castoroilia in Paris Tennessee writes Dear Hugh: I committed an infarction at school and the teacher told me to sit in the corner. Trouble is, we are part of a test school that was built in a perfect circle. Of course I’m frusterated, and Mrs. Sweatslinger is mad. She says she’s gonna call my mother….but Mommy’s cell phone hadnt worked right since she dropped it in the commode. The details of this are getting to me Mr. Hughy. Can you help?

Hugh's Answering Service (H.A.S.)


From Hugh


Howdy Bunkster…..This is indeed a conundrum. Because I am real good at geography,..What I suggesterize is this……..Ask the teacher to plot a RADIUS across the Diameter of the School Premises….Now ..DO THE SAME again at a right angle to the first……..


This will create a Make-do corner in which you can sit. It should be in the center of the building. This location will allow you a good view of what all goes on around there. You can count on us at >H.A.S. to solve this junk Bunky. Have a good day.


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