Archive for May, 2012

Gerald Punk from Erstwhile Georgia writes Dear Hugh…..Is it true that you once mailed yourself to Boston because it was cheaper than flying?…and if so,…how did it go?….I am considering mailing myself to Hawaii. How should I package myself to insure both correct postage AND the best travelling experience?

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From Hugh

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Well Gerald. First of all, it is not true that I mailed myself to Boston. It was Pittsburgh PA. And I didnt mail myself, My Cousin Bennie mailed me while I was under the effects of Benedryl . That stuff makes me perty drowsy.

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But , NEVER MIND THE DETAILS.

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The fact is, yes…..I did travel by mail. It wasn’t that bad. …..and I actually place my STAMP of approval on the technique of getting where you knead to go.

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The main thing you need to do is LEAVE SOME BREATHING HOLES in the packaging. There is no weigh you can hold your breath from hear to there.. …..Also, DO NOT USE one of those “if it fits ..it ships” boxes that you can get at the POST OFFICE. You will need custom packaging size to help accomodate your snack pack and such stuff.

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Avoid cellophane and aluminum foil stuffing into the packaging….Use OLD NEWSPAPERS. It’ll give you somethin to read…..

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HAVE FUN…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






Shallane Warbler from Point Du Hoc France writes in today….dear honorable Mr. Banks….My two year old son turned our television upside down. The picture looked UPSIDE DOWN….BUT the AUDIO didnt sound UPSIDE DOWN…Why is this and where?

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From Mr. Hughy (Physics expurt)

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Good afternoon Ms. Shallane. You have demonstrated excellent insight …both in noticing this phenomelnon,…..and in seeking me out for the definitive answer to the conuncrum at hand.

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There are several factoids in play hear. Initially we see that the Ferwinian Principle of TV Inversion has inculcated that the Polonian Dibtwine has been replaced with an exception to Einsteins,…. “Rule of Upside Down Electronics”. As shocking as that may seem, it’s just the weigh it is.

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Now, concurrent with this set of realities (and the accompanying stuff), the audio has actually been ubulated and cataramelled with the visual PhTC factor. This is why it doesnt sound upside down along with the picture looking upside down.

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The actual question you should be axing is simply….How did the little munchkin turn over a 150 pound console TV set…? If you tell me you gave him a CRANE for Christmas, I will ban you from H.A.S. This is no place for fabricating and stretching the truth.

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Get real Lucille………………Your Welcome……………You can count on the Service for even your most complex mathematecalisticphysiicsortofstuff problems.




Thelma Doolittle from Woodadidmuch Wyoming writes Dear Hughy….Now that you are handling medical questions….Could you please tell me what to do about this inflection in my right ear?

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From Hugh…..
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Thelma…….The ear inflection is knot caused by anything wrong with your physioillogical self.

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The inflection comes from the person doing the talking,….NOT the won listening.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Oftentimes, folks from other parts of the country or (even frum a nuther country) speak with difernt inflections…..Some even have accents. I do knot get involved in sounding like I have an accent. Why other people haveum is beyond me.

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I am just fortunate to be born in a place where we don’t have an accent or any inflections. In some countries the whole workforce at nearly any business will have what they call a STAFF INFLECTION. (Yes, I said it….a STAPH INFLECTION. .)

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So, in short,………………..Don’t worry about the inflection. It will go away as soon as that Franch feller quits yakking.



Randy Ellertoon from Lock Mess Scotland writes Dear Hugh; Is it really accurately truethful that you rescued a lady from inside her own washing machine during the spin cycle…..?……..or was it actually the rinse cycle as was originally reported on CNM…?

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from Hughy:

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Well Randy…..There is much about this whole thing that I need to come clean about. I’m about ready to wash my hands of admitting to this act of reschughing a damsel in distress.
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What actually occurred was far to risky and perilous and dangerous for me to describe.
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So let me tell you bout it……

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Once upon a time………..There I was……minding my own business , carrying a grandfather clock down the sidewalk to the Chrysler dealership to have it installed in my ’69 Plymouth Fury III…….When all of a sudden I heard muffled screams emanating from the laundry room of  a nearby house…….

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Shrieking for help I clamoured over the fence and ran up the narrow  door and knocked on the path…..I then realized that a hapless middle-aged chick had fallen into her own warshing machine…..It was now nearing the point of know return……YES…It was already on the rinse cycle….It’s true…..It was on Rinse.. NOT the Spin Cycle.

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I knew that time was running short for Susie Lou Crumwad……………So I did what I had to do. I panicked.

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Then, I ,……with no regard whatsoever for my personal well-being,….ignoring all odds….and proceeding with caution…….I reached over and turned the machine off. (Had I done that before panicking, it would have been so much easier on Ms. Crumwad.) But it is what it is….

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As it turned out……….She seems to be fine. Plus, she no longer needs an appointment to the Ear Nose and Throat Doc…..to get rid of that sinus infection…..The TIDE soap, seemes to have eliminated what was ailing her.



Hadley Skimmer from Dinmer Idaho writes dear Hughy…Why on earth did you not have a post yesterday and will you, thusly. have two today??

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From Hughy

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Howdy Hadley, I am posting this morning from the top of Mount Neverest in Abludilbu Katmanduwu………….

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I received a call late yesterday that there was a group of ladies from Nelda Shub’s Canasta Club (from Peoria) trapped on the side of the mountain during a snow storm at 23,000 feet. They had decided to play a few card games when they should have been climbing above the storm. At any rate, Due to my experience and expensive knowledge of spelunking and canasta, I was called upon by the Katmanduwuninan authortities to run over and rescue the damsels in distress.

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Rescuing damselss in distress is something I have done a great deal of, but I never mention it much. Since the time i was hailed as a hero for pulling Susie Lou Crumwad out of her own washing machine during the spin cycle, I have tried to keep things hush hush.

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I am sorry I couldnt post yesterday, but was hung up at 19,000 feet in a pocket where there was no internet service. And yes, I will have another post late tonight. It will be done from the summit of the Mountain….as I peer out over the landscape.

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dogs Pictures, Images and Photos

Willie Smelson from Rashville Tennessee writes: Dear Hughy, If it is true that living things “are what they eat”…..and it is true that COWS are vegetarians……THEN WHY ON EARTH DO Vegetarians display such a reticence, recalcitrance and hesitance, to consuming beef?

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From Hughy

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Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll………………..It’s because there is something wrong with your argument. That’s why.

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And just as soon as I figgure out what it is, i will post my definitive reply that will settle the issue ONCE and for most.

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It seems to me that if in fact , cows consume legubrious amounts of greenery, ….that their substance would indeed be very good fer a feller……Perhaps it is because most cows are obese. Could it be the scientists are afraid that the obesity jeans that cows have would spread into the human populace?

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The absolute answer eludes me and my staff at this time…..This is indeed a first.

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Sally Sue Siddley from Seashell Shores Saskcatchyouone Canada simply asks the following question. Whom?

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From Little ole Hughy

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Howdy Sally………………I mussed commend you for being succint. And avoiding the overuse of words when too many are simply not necessary to get said what you really want to say in the time that you have to express yourself about things you about care…. (couldnt end on a preposition)…..

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So,….you did good. BUT, The problem hear is that I am left with very very little two go own in making a determination of my usual accurate response too the inquiries of the daye.

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Whom? is rather broad……….In fact, It’s about as broad as it is possible to bee…..Although I guess that “When?” or “Where?” might leave open greater room for discussion than “Whom?” …After all, “Whom?” is limmmmited to living beings. “When?” is not limited except by the space time continuum as we know it…..(AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaand theres a LOT we don’t know)

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For the sake of this discussion, Let me answer it this way……….”Not Me”………………..

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So there.



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