Archive for June, 2015

Alburt Feinstein from hovering over his calchughlator in a physics class at Alma Matter A&M…….writes…Dear Hugh…..Yesterday, in your socalled “POST”, I felt that you saught to b-little and mischaracterize Bill Shakespeare. I didnt like it….because he’s my great great great great great grate uncle on my mothers side…..Do you have anything to say for yourself? and I’d like to follow up on whether I am to be or not to bee.? And that is the question.

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Well Al…………..

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I dont reckon Ive got anything to say for myself.

Except to say that, I read a bunch

of ole Bills stories

“The Three Wittle Pigs”

and “Romeo and Jule E. Ette”.

and “Hamit”…

….Some of it I just didnt see what

the big deel was all about…..

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Now the main thang that through mee off

with Ole Billy…..was

the “Two Bee or Not to Bee”….ordeal.

I surmised that, if he couldn’t figure out the answer to that, I certainly wasn’t gonna study the rest of what he had to say for an entire semester.

And I never thought

“THAT WAS THE QUESTION”

in the first place.

…..

Well, ” HARK..!” I must run….

I have an overdhugh LIBERRY book.

Rumplestillskin, (who is wide awake,…due to having drunk three cups of coffee before he tried to take a nap)……… Jumps over to the keyboard and types this important question to the only place he knows of that might possibly no the answer…..dear Hugh: Since you are a man whom has been alive for over thirty years, I knead and value your advice on how to best “catch up with old friends”. What do you reccccommend? /

 

…From Hughy

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Well………..

I certainly admire your desire to catch up.

..

Here’s the deal…. How to catch up

with an old friend

depends on whether they are in an

airplane or a bus or

perhaps, even on a skateboard

or jet ski.

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Any of these maneuvers can be fraught with peril…

and inherently dangerous.

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For example….If you attempt to

pull alongside an airplane (at 26,000 feet)

to reminisce about your old high school

days on the debate team……

You are liable to cause an accident….

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Conversely and subsequently….defeating the

entire purpose.

Which isnt generally produrctive.

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Let me suggest waiting until your friend is at least stopped at a TRAFFIC LIGHT. or more advisedly, quietly seated in a LIBERRY.

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But dont’t talk loud….or you’ll get shhuusshed ..!!!!

just like you did back when you were in school….

 

Pat Fubble (a gerbile trainer) from Anvil Drop Kentucky …..is extremely frustrated with me and , frankly, doesn’t like Hugh’s Answering Service much at all, BUT, understands the need for accurate imfornation, so turns to us for the answer to this crucial question….. “What is a Syllabus”?

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From Hughy

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Thanks so much for the courage it took four you too turn to the Service with this inquiry…..!

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The syllabus …

(or its plural form _ SYLLABYE)

Were once thought to be extinct in all but

several parts of the world.

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The syllabuss is a small, little,

non-large furry mammal….

They are known to feed largely

on small crustaceans and discarded

asparagus stalks that were too tough

for humans to chew up.

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Syllabyes are not to be confused with Lullabyes……

So just don”t do it. !!!!..

(And I cant just stand around

pointing out which is which.)

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There used to be hunting seasons

……and when a feller would shoot one

and show up with it at school,

it was not uncommon for a teacher

to tell the kid to “Prepare a Syllabus”

Or “Get a Syllabus Ready”….

Or “I’m gonna grade the syllabusses”

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Syllabye are now found ubiquitously and all over the place….

especially near College “campi”. (Plural of Campuses)

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Watch out for ’em. They bite.

Sally Sue Sedgewick from sitting silently and sadly sewing septic tank labelling signs…(getting em ready to mail off to the factory)….Stops what shes doing and quickly rights Dear Hugh: Sewing septic signs is a real drain…..on my physical condition and really does nothing for my mental state either…..What other occhughpations do you recommend as being more exhilirating and interesting and better than this….?

From Occupational Hughy

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Well………..

what you are doing now is just so so.

Soooooooo you knead to get busy finding something better.

(Which may explain why you just ask me this querstion).

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I asked Aunt Bertha if she had any ideas….

She said

“Consider sewing silly signs some for Slat Slingers at Fork Lift Pallet factorys”…?

But sadly, I saw that as  silly.

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Toupee’ repair is a growing industry…..

Of course hair dressing deals with a growing problem also,

But in a differnt weigh.

Why knot open a Hair dressing and

TOUPEE’ REPAIR SHOP and cover

the whole spectrum of human need

in one location?..

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My hair is falling out, (seriously) so I may very

well need your services before I no it. At least you

could help me with PART of the problem.

“PART” OF THE PROBLEM…..HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

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In an unusal twist, today’s question was found here on the front lawn of the sprawling H.A.S. corporate compound in Frog Squat Alabama. It is a large sheet of water-resistant papyrus paper with two paragraphs of text (written in Franch)….Inside the paper is a bottle of cologne Called “QUADROPHONIC for MEN” ……After translation, I find the question reads as follows, Dear Hugh………What does it mean when someone makes a statement and then turns around and says …..”…but that goes without saying” …..?

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From Helpful Hughy’s Hint Hutch

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Well….This is the first time I’ve ever

heard of someone finding a

BOTTLE IN A MESSAGE.

A BOTTLE IN A MESSAGE…… Yes. As corny as it is. I still said it. I’m out of control.

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Frist of all, let me say thanks to whoever sent the cologne…..

“QUADROPHONIC for Men”

It doesnt have a very good odor to it……

(But it’ s difficult to tell which part of the

room its coming from anyhow)!!!….***

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Now, to your question, WHOEVER YOU ARE….

When people say something

“goes without saying”…(after they just said it)….

It is called…….

“Retroyakative Rescintionism”

“with an emphasis on goofyness”

…and, as is often the case,

NO WON NOSE WATT IT MEANS TO SAY SUCH

IDIOSYNCRATIVE ANOMILIZARIANISMS…!

_______________

***I heard a similar joke somewhere back along the way….

If I could remember

Where or who said it,……

Id give em credit.!!!!”

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Caldonia Erstonne, who is a Linguini Manufacturer in Chitling Tennessee….., Steps forward from her chair and tells her Secretary to type…. DEAR HUGHBERT…. The post yesterday about the “Bottle in a Message” was truly outrageous. Why you are not apprehended or caught for violating Federal Corny Joke Rules is beyond me. BUT BUT BUT, I did do so research on the H.A.S. Corporate Headquarters that you mentioned… YA”LL HAVE SUCH A NICE PLACE THERE…! Is it really 250 square feet? And I love the out house…….But my question is this, Why are songs with no words called “Instrumentals”….but songs with no instruments are NOT CALLED……… “WORDSTRUMENTALS”?

From Multi-type Musical Hughbert,

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Now look Caldonia………….

Any system of  linguistics thatte relies

on FONIKZ.

,,,….Can be expected to present

other anomaleez az well …..

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Eye have tryed two poiwnt this owt vary cleerlee

over thee yearz hear atte thee service.

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Such idiosyncratic dulbernisms wreak of inconsistency and yette are proclaimed as if  they are  ERUDITE… and, thusly, promotional of ADROITNESS and Gembelisitic Insight.

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While such is obviously knot the case, their is a certain system that has foisted its self upon us….

AND AINT KNOW KNEAD IN FIGHTIN IT MY FRIEND………….

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Simply fall in line with the presently accepterized Yakking terminology and get back to your Linguini creations.

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Little Gertrude Chambly from Guzzlers Gulp Oklahoma is in serious trouble tonight….and in desperate need of our assistance here at H.A.S……She has apparently put regular dish detergent in an automatic dishwasher AGAIN !!!….Her communication sounds a little bit “GURGLY” but she says…She put in three cups of liquid Joy…. and now there is a wall of soap suds 12 feet deep moving across town engulfing everything in sight…..BUT THAT THINGS ARE CLEANER. She ends her message with “Hep me! Hep me…! .”BUBBLE BUBBLE”..Somebody Hep me!”

From Ole Hughbert…..

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Well……Gertrude…..Why don’t you stand outside and sing something by Pavorotti…?

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You can call it a SOAP OPERA….!.

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I WANT YOU TO COME CLEEEEEAN

ABOUT WHAT REALLLY happened….

before you seek to start sopping up the mess…..

But wait….let me go buy stock

in a paper towel company before

the work starts….

Otherwise, I’m not sure I can

ABSORB ….

WHAT IS HAPPENIN…..!!!!!!

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Listen two me Gertrude….. I have had to advise

you on this absurd behavior of yours already back in 2010.

Your misuse of products is the stuff of legend.

YOU MUST USE THINGS

ONLY AS DIRECTED…..!!!!!!

ONLY AS DIRECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Are you listening this time Gerty?????

If it doesnt’ say DISHWASHER DETERGENT..

…..DONT PUT IT IN THE MACHINE.

DISH detergent is a different

chemicalistic conglomerationism.

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