Archive for December, 2011

The Tuesday night Bunko Club from Irkme Pennsylvania writes in today? Dear Honorable Mr. Hughy: Today is Nhugh Years Eve, which means the year 2012 starts tomorrow. We have cringed daily at the drivel you have put out this year. We scowl and frown as we read your posts. We often discuss the lunacy of your work. You have lost touch with reality, apparently living in your own little world. Will you do better next year Mr. Hughy…? Will you deal in facts..not friction? Will you set a better example for the untold masses that read this garbage and trust you with important issues kneading advice..? Will you seek help and appropriate medications…?..Will you just GET SERIOUS??????????????….

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From Hugh

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Let me think about it.

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NO……………………..

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Note: And YES. I will come and speak for your annual international BUNKO Convention….Just like I always do…..As usual, I’ll do the two hour lecture and the Photo Shoot afterwards…?….along with the three hour Q&A seesion…….followed by the riveting revelation of my new book “FONICS and MEE”……………





Lillian Geesh from the Upper West Side of Manhattan writes: Howdy Hughbert…! Are you making any Hugh Year’s Revolutions?…and also, my husband snores when he’s awake…..Is this a source of concern?

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From Hugh

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Lilian Lilian Lilian………..Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Lilian…………………………Is he still doing that? You wrote me about this in 1987…..You ask me this back then. ……and my answer is the same……..

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NO!….I’m not concerned about it at all…You live 1200 miles away and I cant HEAR HIM.,,,,Sooooooooo I’m not the least bit concerned about it.

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Now….regarding Hugh Years revolutions…………………..One thing Im gonna do is stop trying to put toothpaste BACK IN THE TUBE if I squeeze it too hard while loading a toothbrush. It simply isn’t a wise use of time. And it frustrates me somethin awful.




No one wrote in today. What???????????????. This is knot possible. After yesterday’s stunning revelation of my heroic exploits in the Jungles of Tansalania I expected some mail telling me I shouldn’t have done it. ….I shouldnt risk myself like that…That the world kneads me……WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!! here comes a message now…………………………………………………………………………………………Little Stumpy Wadslinger from Salsburg Netherlands writes. ,,,Dear Hugh …My Mommy just grounded me for two months for reading your silly story yesterday. I admired you so much….But she states emphatically that you are a fraud and an old goofball-like geezer whom whom never did what you said you did to save that village from the beetles. Why did you get me in trouble.?

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From Hugh

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Hey Stumpster………..You just lay low for a while….till the heat dies down….Your mommy will eventually realize the trufe of the matter. Wait till my whole book comes out of stuff that I don’t want anybody to know about . It will all begin to make mower sense.

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Incidentally….I know your mommy reads these posts. But she wont admit to it because she refuses to go to the admitting room. Or the office of admissions. ….But shes a nice lady and you need to do what she says……..SURE YOUR IQ will suffer. But I cant help it. I do all eye can .





Gerald Geshner from Theodore Montana writes dear Hugh: In spite of your efforts to squelch the news of your heroic exploits in the jungles of Tasmarania…I continue to read snippets that are riveting and make me want to know mower. Is it true that you once defended an entire village against the rare, BUT dreaded, “Pincer Beetle” using only a broken No.2 pencil, an old toothbrush and a cellophane bag of stale pretzels?

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From Hugh

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Well………….I’m hesitant to address these types of stories. I’ve done a great deal to try to keep my heroic adventures secret.

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……………But, since this one is already out……………………………Yes, It is true. WITH NO REGARD FOR MY personal safety, I plunged headlong into a column of pincer beetles……Flailing and slashing with the toothbrush. A jab here. A ruthless slash there. Beetlejuice flying here ………AND THERE.

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There were moments when I was overwhelmed and felt defeated……But then I remembered my readers here at H.A.S…….I new ya’ll kneaded me desperately. Sooooooooooooooo, when the ships were down……I reached deep inside for what it takes to go on. (Plus I remembered I had some glue traps , two Fractionaraial Bug Buster Grenades…..and a year -old discounted bentup can of RAID)

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Onlookers swooned in amazement as I darted left…then darted write…..Ducking and dodging with the svelt grace and debonair of a gazelle on the open plane.

I tryed to minimize the apparent peril and make it appear as if it was nothing. Saving villages is just part of a day at the office for the CEO of a megolithic Answering Service. I’m sorry this story ever got out………





Minnyhaha Warblerly from Jistaminute South Carolina writes Dear Hugh: I ate ONE POUND OF FUDGE over the Christmas break. BUT I HAVE GAINED SEVEN POUNDS. How on earth is that possible?

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From Hugh

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Hello Minny……………….HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…You have fallen into the FMIYB TRAP (Fudge Multiplies in your Body) . This widely misunderstood phenomenon has widened many people without their consent.

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Theodore Spreaderly (a noted fudge researcher in the 1700’s) theorized that this is caused by the fact that chocolate is COMPRESSED during manufacture….and Expands when it comes in touch with the gall bladder.

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Others said he was a goofball and didnt know squat.

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In either case, eating a pound of fudge ALWAYS causes a weight gain of either five pounds or more…..and the only way to offset this is to adjust your scales to compensate. So there………

IF you continue nibbling you can always continue to recalibrate the bathroom scales. Most scales can be adjusted to Plus or Minus 40 pounds.

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Inky Smearman from Welle Indiana writes dear Hugh: What is the favorite gift that you received yesterday as a Christmas present yesterday on Christmas?

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From Hugh

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Howdy Inky…………..You need to work on the grammar skills that you have regarding writing and communication and stuff such as that….

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My favorite gift for Christmas was a new Plaid dress Coat to go with my Striped britches. …and Polka dotted Shoes……

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My second favorite gift is the electric pickle jar opener with a built in ceiling fan remote control that is WI -Fi compatible and Blue- Tooth accssessible….and pre loaded with Microsoft XP service Pack 2  with hyperthread technowligerianigy.






Little Bunky Foodslinger from Trounce Kentucky writes Dear Hugh…..I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneeth the missile tow last night…..I dont think she saw me sneak down the stairs to take a peak. She (innacurately was convinced that at the time) i was tucked in my bedroom fast asleep. This leads me to a conundrum. Should eye mention this to my dada…? Or just let it go as if it never transpired…..? Or should I admit that I just made the whole thing up to get back at adults for pulling the wool over my eyes with this “Santa deal” for the last 14 years….?.

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frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrom Hughy

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Oopps …I gotta get that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR key fixed…………

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Now…………….It dont matter if mommy kissed Santa Claus……..It happens all the time to the chubby old geezer……He’s usually covered with soot and reindeer poop……….Its just a greeting kiss…………Nothing that presents a problem of any kind………Do not worry about it Bunkster.

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So it took you fourteen years to figger this deal out huh??????????????????????………………………

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Incicentally,,……….What do you call a Santa that walks at a 45 degree angle….?………..

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SLANTA CLAUS.



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