Archive for February, 2015

Delbert Hasselton from Giblet Crunch Wyoming writes dear Hugh….I always wanted to dance but I’m 58.3 years old…And I’m afraid I’ll get hurt if I attempt to “Get Down”.Could you invent a dance move that would be safe for folks in my age bracket and even older than me? Will you Hughy? Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,………..Will you?

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From Mr. Hugh

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Yes. Yes. Yes……………….In fact I already have.

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Over the years you have probably heard of the Slow dance…………..But I have devised two new ones. The first is the VERY VERY SLOW DANCE wherein the participant simply stands on the dance floor and chews gum or small fruit bits…and moves ONE arm (just barely).

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The Second technique, ..about which I am the most excited,……is the Stop Dance. In this particular “groove”,…..You simply get out of your chair to head for the dance floor….but STOP and just stand there wondering  “what on earth you were thinking” in the first place.

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If you just continue to stand there……You can kinda feel a part of the action,…..but yet experience no real risk of throwin out a shoulder or hip joint.

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This margin of safety is crucial at and above your age. I’m thankful you turned to us here at H.A.S. for the solution to this troublesome issue.

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Remember……..the “Stop Dance”…..is actually the way to go. Have fun.

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Timmy Takamine from Walrus Ridge Alaska….writes dear Hughyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..I just saw an IGLOO Cooler on Ebay….IT was cheap. AND,.. NO WONDER..!!!!!! They ain’t gonna be able to sell those things for much at all. Our igloos are freezing cold up here as it is. Why on earth would we ant em to be any cooler?

From Hugh

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I’m with you Timmy. I said when I first heard somebody talking about an Igloo Cooler, that it would be like trying to sell an air conditioner to an Eskimo.

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Look ole pal….. Sometimes our manufacturing sector in this country comes up with some “great Ideas that just won’t sell.

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Why don’t they invest their time , effort, and research money into some kind of an item that will keep food cold on a hot day at a picnic or sumthin,???…..They should have already done it. I needed somethinn like that last week when my Cousin ELROY came over to stay for a couple of years.



A short tailed Basseett Hound named “Martha” from Padhughca Kentucky writes Dear Hugh….What is the substantive difference between Commonly obtainable Canned Dog Food and…….. Hot dogs or bologna that are clearly intended for hughman consumption?.

From Hugh>

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Well Martha…………………………..The major difference is………………………………..

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Wait a minute………………..

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Let me do a little last minute research………………..

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Well Martha…………….as best I can tell………They are both made out of stuff that is leftover from other stuff that is made out of the rest of the stuff……HOWEVER…..the Seasoning is very different….AND THEREIN lies the substantive divergence.

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Im not sure how good your English is Martha…..Some dogs dont know words over two syllablels…..so the phraseology, “substantive divergence” may be less than ideal in this particulate case. BUT get somebody to explain it to you……I aint got time to redo it.



bassett hound Pictures, Images and Photos

Wanda Biggersmall from Chattanooooooooooga Teenneessee writes…..Dear Hugh: If every crook and shyster and profoundly unwise individual whom lacks common sense,…. was removed from Washington D.C. How many folks would be left?

From Ole Hughy………….

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Well…………..there would be lots of folks left in the world at large…………….But the population of that particular city would definitely shrink at a larger percentage than the average geographic area chosen at random.

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Theire r apparently certain geocentric anomalies that absorb and remuve comonn scents….

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I wunce new a guy that just drove through the place and AND WENT HOME AND SOLD A  NEW CADILLAC to a dental hygienist for 27 dollars. Then he tried for two days to throw away a boomerang. That city simply sucks the common sense out of folks.

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I’m guessing that it is something similar to the Bermhughda triangle…….Except, instead of causing plains and ships to dissappear…The ground under Warshington DC causes COMMON CENTS to dissappear.

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I need to run some aeroclendial microklamdic ground penetrating RADAR studies to comfirm my preconcetpion.

washington dc Pictures, Images and Photos


Garble Winderman from Under an old Pontiac in his garage writes…Dear Hugh My wife and I were discussing at the dinner table (which is the same as our breakfast and lunch table,…so I don’t know why I specified anything about it)…..anyhow we were discussing ongoing problems that just linger on and on and stay around causeing issues that won’t go away. What should we do to resolve this?

From Hugh

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Well,…………………i’ve given this a lot of thought…………………..

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BUT IT DIDNT DO ANY GOOD BECAUSE YOU DIDNT”T TELL ME ANYTHING TO AMOUNT TO SQUAT….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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How on earth am I spossed to seek to resolve stuff ,…when there ain’t no details with which to deal with….?.

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I will say this…………..It is often conccurrently true and factual that…. “ongoing  problems”…. run right along side of…  “lingering problems” …..and ….”ones that won’t go away”.

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This corressponderizing link was first noticed by a guy named Adam…………………..

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IfIgetanymorequest        ionslikethist             odayIthinkIamgoingtoscreamBut  t h           e         n again…..that might be the start of an ongoing pro          blem,….I better knot.


Manfred Sulligent From Tippeecanoe Arkansas writes dear Hugh: I felt so sorry for the St Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnard that wrote in yesterday. What a dilemma. Here we have a dog that is clearly articulate and literate and able to read and write….Shouldnt he be a liberrian or some such thing rather than climbing around mountains rescuing folks? And ,….Do the school systems still allow canines to teach? (((I had a Schnauzer for a Geometry teacher in the 7th grade…but that was 48 years ago…Things may have changed.))))

From Hugh

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This is an interesting, and certainly PERTINENT query.

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I did also have a Canine for a teacher but mine was in the 4th grade.  His bark was worse than his bite….and the class really got completely out of control. .

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BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED…………The restrictyions are now far mower stringent and strident and tight….and only people who are human can be instructors. Sure it’s discrimatory. But most dogs are so busy chasing cars, they don’t take time to sue.

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As a side note…….(the reason that Literate canines are not allowed to teach any moer…even though their salary requirements are much lower…. is that they are often distracted by passing traffic and will dart out the classroom door without warning, and just leave the poor kidds wonderin what to do next….) Plus some of em werent housebroke real good…and that led to a whole differnt set of problems as you can imagine..

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You’re welcom….But you are also banned from H.A.S. for two months for sending in this absurd question. I aught to be ashamed of myself for even pretending to address the issue.



A Saint Bernard named Edwin from a Snowbank in Katmandu pawses and takes time to write Deer Hugh: Most dawgs can’t write good, but I’m extra smart. However I wasnt smart enough to stay out of the rescue business. I got in this “life saving ” thing to try and hep people, but Im getting tired of climbing Mt. Everest to rescue these goofballs that had no business up there in the first place. They only climb it because its THERE. It ain’t like theres anything to do up there ,…once u make it to the summit. I’m seriously thankin’ ’bout quittin’. Do you think I should? Throw me a bone here Hughy.

From Hugh

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Howdy Edwin……….I like your name. I never would have thought of namin’ a St, Bernard “Edwin”.

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Welllllll……….I certainly see your point Eddie ole boy,………..Anybody who climbs a 28,000 foot mountain just to turn right around and come back down,……NEEDS THERE HEAD EXAMINED. And, by the way, I am running a special again this month on head examinations!!! The results last month were so good, I’,m gonna really try to hep mower folks this month also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Look Eddie…..With all the satellitttee technowlogy that we got now……You can simply search on Goooble Earth and get a good look at the top of that mountain. (WHICH , Incidentally is COVERED WITH SNOW……If heat rises, why isnt it HOT UP THERE?)

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You are getting along in years my furry friend…………..I say give it up while theres still time. Since you can write so good.,…Why don’t you compile an autobiography of your experiences. ???????

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RUFFFFF RUFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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