Archive for March, 2013

Wadna Warrington, whom never sits on her porch and reads H.A.S…..for ours atta thyme…..in Belt Buckle Tennesseseeessee..Starts what she wasnt doing and writes ….Dear Hughy, …. Can I use a UNIVERSAL Remote to move the earth just a little closer to the sun…so it won’t be so cool up here in the Tennessee Hills…?

.

From Common Scents Hughbert…….

.

Well Well Wanda,

we wondered when words

from you would waft across the

internet to our servers again….

And OHHHHHHHHHHHHH,

the questions you come with up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!! ( I couldn’t end on “WITH”…because

I think it’s a preposition…and Libbrarians

might digitally shusssssssh me)

.

NO YOU CAN”T USE A “UNIVERSAL REMOTE”

TO CONTROL THE UNIVERSE.

.

Are you kiiiiiiiddddding me?…..

The hole solar system would be out of

whack because Little Timmy Turnbuckle

pointed the remote at the sun and pushed

fast forward.

.

Let’s get reel here……

Some of you out there are coming up with some of the most out rageous questions I have ever in my life heard OF .

.

OF OF OF OF OF OF OF OF OF.

But I will say this……..

I know of a case where Beverly Cradgrass

pointed her universal remote at the

neighbors dog and pushed MUTE……

The dog never made a sound…

even when the mailman said

Nah Nyah…. Nyah Nah Nah….

Nahhhhhhhh….right in his face.

.

.

Chalmers Warren …..(an expert roper of cross-eyed goats) …from the upper east side of the Bronx….writes in todays brilliant and elluciditory query. Dear Hugh…. Your list of the ODD jobs yesterday was very very mundane and lackluster, but I can’t hep but axe you if there were any uthers that you didnt mention or failed to speak abowt….or say anything in regards to………….And I’ll like to follow follow follow up , if Eyem Aye………

.

From odd Hughbert

.

Howdy Chalmyee……..!

.

Wellllllllllll………frankly, I’m surprised

that there is so much interest from one

person in this regard.

Because it’s udderly absurd and means

essentially nothing to anyone ..including

my Dachshund, who loves me more than

any living being. ..(and understandlandably so…

Cents I feed the little rascal…….))))))))))))

.

I didnt have any other odd jobs………. BUT….

But…… But……….

My Second cousin Mando Leggerly….had some

perty weird employment opportunities…………

.

Sadly, He was once the Sole and

Single Sesame Seed Sorter for

Sibley’s Souse House in Syracuse.

They made souse meat and sprinkled on ly the best

Sesame seeds across the top of

each wad of Souse….before it was shipped to

South Cincinnati.

.

If any of you had any odd jobs……

please feelf Ree to let me know……..

.

Well Im off to Shooooooooooooooooo some horses……

SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

.

“Crazy Edna” Snurgoode (who is a rabbit groomer for the International Rabbit Renters of America) …….Stops her busy holiday HARE COMBING schedule monemtarily….and writes…..Dear Hughy, I am so so so so interested in studying differnt peoples work history….So I simply ask…”before you became a World Renown Answering Service Mogul, Did you just do odd jobs around town?”…and If SEW, Watt were they?

….

From OddJobby Hughbert

.

Howdy Edna……….. YES.

Yes Indeed I did do odd jobs to help

keep ends meeting………

.

Would you like to know what they were….?

.

Oh yes, You already said you wanted to know….I should have read it closer.

.

The first job that many folks considered ODD…..was…..

I was hired to train a cross-eyed baboon

to walk a tightwire for the Barnum and Baywlee Circus.

.

After I got that done….. They hired me to house-train

an elephant….Which was especially tricky due to the simple

fact that I couldn’t get the silly thing IN the HOUSE.

And riggin up an elephant version of a DOGGY DOOR, was an interesting chalenge as well.

.

But there was more to my odd job carreer than just animal training with the circus….I also spent two months teaching Eskimos relaxation breathing techniques (for specific use while teaching sixty foot whales to pull a 12 foot boat).

.

And I once spent a week and a half…….

teaching people how to act Non Chalant…..

In Chalant situations.

Harold Peeler who runs a french fry salting service in HAWG TROT Delaware………stops what he’s salting and writes…..dear HUgh, I’d like to tell you that yesterdays post was one of the best I’ve ever seen you do….but since it wasnt,…..I cant tell you that. Let’s be honest Hughy…..The answers you gave WERE ALL THE SAME……. YOU ANSWERED…. “SEVEN” on every stinkin one of em………How redundandt is that? Are you intellectually lazy….or linguistically inept…?

.

From Linguistical Hughbert

.

Harlod…OOOOOOOOOOOO Harold……..

I AM AS “EPT”…………as some folks….

(but not as “ept” as others)…

Compared to some folks I would be INEPT.

.

But ,be that as it may……or may not….be.

.

THE QUESTION ANSWERS WERE ACCURATE…..

It just happend that they were all the same….

.

Question ONE was ___________________________________________________

How many children did Snow White eventually have when she finally got married and

quit having to pose for story book drawings.?

SEVEN

Question 2 was________________________________________________________

How many days does  it take to do a WEEK LONG DIET PLAN

SEVEN

Question 3 was________________________________________________

What is 250 minus 242?

SEVEN

Question 4 was….

What is 249 minus 242?___________________________________________________

And i got it right on this time around…. SEVEN.

And finally_________________________________________

Question 5 was………

Hughy How old were you when you finally got out of diapers……?

SEVEN.

.

Now look…………

Dont be jumpin on me about this stuff…..

You know full well when you come to H.A.S…

……that strange things are gonna happen.

.

 

In a startling departure from my normal procedure and the “usual” here at H.A.S……(whatever that is)…….Instead of Answering a particulate question…..I am just going to give the answers to several questions that have crossed my desk……But I’m not going to tell you what the questions are……..Is that ok? Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll……Is that OKEEDOOOKEE>>>>>?

From Ole Hughy

.

I certainly hoppe that this is hunky dory

with the majority of  H.A.S. readers….

If it sknot,………….I don’t know on earf

to do to assuage the rage.

.

Here are the answers…………

You get to guess what the questions

were or was…

as the case mayb eeee.

IMPORTANT….. EACH QUESTION IS DIFFERENT..

Competely differnet.

.

Answer number uno…………… 7

Answer number two…………..7

Three………………………………..7

Four………………………………….7

And finally the fifth answer is……….7

.

Wendell Dip who runs a hill removal service for the State Road Department…..writes….. Dear Hughy, Have you ever sunk a Putt…..?

.

From Club slinger Hughy…

.

Speaking of Golf………….Check this out….

This is amazing……

This feller makes a good golf shot out of a tree.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/golf-devil-ball-golf/sergio-garcia-hits-one-craziest-recovery-shots-ever-190904511–golf.html

But in answer to your question………..

NO……..I have never sunk a putt…………

And the reason is quite simple.

The stinkin hole is too small.

.

How on earth is a feller supposed to get the ball in something

that small from so far away…..?

They could double the interest in the sport if they would

just triple the size of the goofy little hole.

.

Look,

there’s plenty of room on those golf coarses…..

There is no reason why the holes cant be bigger.

What are they trying to do…

SAVE SPACE?

Are they afraid a wayward dachshund will fall in?…

.

There arent that mini dogs out there anyhow…….

Im calling for reform. Let’s start a club.

.
Irrelevant to golf SIDENOTE:::::::_______________
I must make a correction on yesterday’s post……
“Bobby Boy Blanderre who wrote in yestrdaze brilliant question…..
.was refferred to as a “her”….
but He is a he……I goofed ….and didnt catch it in my edit….
I apologize to Busy Bobby Boy….for my typogrumpical interpolation.

Busy Busy Bobby Boy Blanderre from a cactus farm just inside the city limits of Gulppe’ Arizona……….writes, (while pulling a thorn out of her xyphoid process) …………..dear Hugh, I have a medical question…and I know you are up on all that doctor stuffage…….. How is the appropriate way to Call someone that actually knows what they are doing about removing a cactus spike from my xyphoid process….?

From Ole Hughy

.

First of all………..I suspect

that you think that I don’t know that

you dont realize that I do know what a

xyphoid process

is…..

.

And I MOST CERTINLY DO…..

.

I took geography of the human physique when I was in school….

.And we mapped out right where that rascal is.

.

And , I might mention……….

that it is still located right where it’s always been…

.

It’s the little “pointy bone thingy” at

the bottom end of the STERNUM.

.

And removing a cactus spike is simple……

Simply grab the end of the spike….

(not the end of the sternum)

And pull the silly thing out…..

How hard can this be……?

You shoud have figgered this out on your own…….

.

Get the POINT?????????????????….

%d bloggers like this: