Archive for January, 2014

Clyde Swiller from Pinch Tennessessee writes Dear Hugh: Whom was Mona Lisa?…..and Whym did Leonardo whatsizhead take the time to paint her Pitcher…?

From Hugh

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Howdy Clyde…………Most peoples are unaware of any details about the elusive and enigmatic , but gregarious ,…Mona Lisa. Born in a Tuba factory in 1464…. Her real name was Gertrude Lapsquish. Gertrude changed her name due to being put in a witness protection program after ratting out two guys that were painting portraits of people using extracts from endangered species of water lilies. I know it sounds odd. But you asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Mr Leonardo……….read about her plight in the local newspaper and decided to paint her pitcher so he would become famous for it. He actually used the illegal paint…..Which is shocking in and of  its self……..The look on her face was caused by a gallbladder infection…many people have wondered…NOW you know.

There is so much more history out there now….than there wonce was…….Feel free to ask me at any time about this stuff……History is another of my many areas of interest….and thorough research.

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Edna Erma Egglestump from Erleswig Newfoundland writes Dear Hugh: What breed of dog is owned by the most educated, suavest, intuitive, insightful, keen, sweet, nice, sophisticated, beautiful, sheek, erudite, ebullient, gregarious and concise people on our terrestrial orb…….? I know you will be objective in your asesssssmenterization.

from Hughy:

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Well Edna……

The research on this topic by my staff…..

is somewhat

inconclhughsive.

We , after objectively perusing the

evidenciary evidence,

first were completely convinced that

the answer was the lowly and

erstwhile Bass Ette Hound……..

But further evidence emerged,.

calling  that conclusion into

serious question,,,,,,,,,,,,,

.

My wife pointed out that she had

Three dachshunds…..

I, after further contemplation of the

acthugharial tables and

scientific conundrumization,

then recognized a flaw in the

original conclusion and am now

certain that the answer to

your question is…………..

DACHSHUNDS…………

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It is clear that those whom own dogs for their looks…………….

Own dachshunds.  Make no mistake about it.

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Styro P Hoame from in Sulation Prison……. deep in the frozen Tundraic region of Tursmeeitan Peninsula….just a few kilometers northeast of the new WalMart in Gurblistitan…(Right next to Edwin Stanton’s granny’s house)…. writes Dear Hugh: I don’t have a question…I just wanted you to know where I’m from. Is that o.k.?

From Hugh

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Know! It’s not o.k. Styro…………..With hundreds of billions of people seeking guidance in unimportant matters from H.A.S…

HOW could you send in such a bunch of goop?…………….

.

I have already spoken to Aunt Bertha about your incorrigibilitarianism………..and you will be sentenced,

NO DOUBT, to the cyber chain gang along with some of the other MISCREANTS and Malfeasatories such as the

Ubiquitous Hamilton GANG. Its a tough bunch…….

Slaving in the hot digital sun all day…………Sad……..

Let’s all be careful out there and work together to make H.A.S. a better place.

Werner Nov Nuarb from Guzzlers Cringe Tennesse writes dear Hugh: My daughter is gonna marry a guy name ABACUS. I don’t think she can COUNT ON HIM…….What should eye do?

From Hugh

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Hey Werner ole pal……First off…THERE IS KNOW WEIGH you are from Guzzlers Cringe Tennessee….Nobody with the name Werner can possibly originate there……………………… “Bubba or Elrod”? Yes…………………..  “Werner”? ………..No way. I bet you are from Kentucky.

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Now……..I certainly hope you didnt think that little ABACUS line was funny……

Even I wouldn’t make that remark………

But I will say this….

ABACUS’s days are numbered…….

Im knot sure He’s the ONE TWO marry….FOUR her .

Why dont you take FIVE and have a talk with her.?

Is she Feeling OK…I heard that she had been Sicks………….

Since she was Seven……………

Was it something she Eight?

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(I must be stopped. Perhaps it is two late already.)

Zelda Aranamere from Linly Rhode Island writes dear Hugh: I’m stuck in a hotel in Paris….and I miss my little mutt “Rufus”. Rufus needs me and I need him. But he was confiscated by the cops for littering. I know he’s ugly….But I was just walking him and they said he was a public eyesore….akin to an article of refuse. What now?

From Hugh

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Oh dear……..This is indeed a serious issue. One that must be with dealt. (Couldn’t end on a participle).

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Zelda….This is what you get for having an ugly dog…WHEN YOU KNEW FULL WELL  that you should have gotten a DACHSHUND…to keep this from Happening. I say go pay the littering fine. Then put a paper sack over the mutt till you get him back to the hotel…….

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That should do it……Take him for walks only at night………..LATE.

Rufus Brainner from Erstwhile Pennsylvania writes dear Hugh….On New Years Day I asked my wife to marry me. She said no. I’m so upset…..even till now. What was she thinking? Why this response from the love of my life…?

From Hugh
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Well…………..Here’s the deal Rufus ole buddy………..

You ain’t supposed to ask your

wife to marry you!

She’s already your wife.

Why would she marry you again?

In fact you can’t do sich a thang.


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Ideally , when you ask someone to marry you ………

You ask someone whom is KNOT YOUR WIFE……….

She was required to say no based solely on

common scents.

Gertrude Peabody from Dissenlubg Belgium writes Dear Hughy: I keep hearing eyewitness accounts of UFO’s. I am confused…and in need of an expert opinion……But I couldnt find one. So I’ll ask you…..”Are we alone in the universe”?

From Hughy

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Howdy Gerty….(May I call You Gerty?)……This is an important question and one that has been asked by untold millions of brilliant people. (and a guy named Earl from Red Yapp Montana)…………

Great minds have pondered and debated this in pubs and kitchens and garages and outhouses and grocery store aisles for hunerds of yeers.

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Your question is “Are we alone in the Universe”?…………….and the answer is ………..

NO. ……..I saw several other folks out and about just this afternoon……plus I think I hear my son in the utility room…….Look around Gerty.

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