Archive for September, 2014

Willard P. Erthwurm from Ground Up, Nevada writes Dear Hugh: Whom is Valentime’s day named after….?

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From Hugh

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Hi Will………..Valentine’s Day is named after Fred T. Rattbreath. Here’s the deal.

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Their is Know Weigh that Calendar manufacturers were goin to put “Rattbreath’s Day”  on Feb 14th …on all of the jillions of calendars…..Also Hallmark cards would have thrown a hissy fit..

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Somebody had to do something and do it quick once Mr. Rattbreath went on a crusade to have a day named after him……The first government agency to take him seriously about it had a janitor named Valentine. He offered his name for the day one night while he was sweeping a second floor office with a straw broom in his right hand. (Im up on the details.)

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And the rest is his story.


Jacques Coostooo from a sea faring vessel south of Gerbil Swat Iceland writes Dear Hugh…I am deathly afraid of man-eating SHARKS. How can I lose my fear of a shark?

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From Hugh

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Well Coostoo…………..The only man eating shark you need to be afraid of is a LIVE one…..Thusly, we have clarified the situation and will now deal with it.

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One way to lose your fear is is to get the shark to swallow a fire extinguisher and then shoot it from a boat whereupon the tank will explode (as in the movie JAWS.) The exploding tank will cause the shark to develop a sudden health issue which will generally lead to it’s imminent demise. Once the the tank blows up…you can perty well start to relax……

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The main challenge here is getting the shark to swallow the fire extinguisher. This particular issue has been addressed in a number of important documents and even a book by a lady from Peoria Illinois….entitled “How to Get a Boneless Fish to Swallow a Fire Retardant Dispersion Device” (FRDD).

Theres more I could do to help….but I have to go swimming in the SPacific Ocean.




Sellers Pettere’ from Paris France Writes Dear Hugh: Why do I feel so alone and isolated…..?

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From Hugh

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Well Sellers……………………………It’s because you are sitting on a rocky outcropping 3500 miles southwest of the coast of India…..in the middle of the Bering Sea…….

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I told you when you started out on that discount tour around the world for 250$……………that you were gonna end up in trouble. The only thing Im really wondering about is how you got this question sent to me from there..

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But its good to here from you……….Just hang on……the canoe is scheduled to be back through that area in June.

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The National Bureau of Waits and Measurements writes in today…Un Dear Hugh…What on earth do you think you are doing putting out all this drivel like you sent out yesterday about OUNCES that do’nt way the same amount? Are you nuts?

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From Hugh

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Yes, I am nuts………..But that’s beside the point……………Looky here. You people have been saying that a NAUTICAL mile is differnt than a mile on land…FOR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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You have also been saying that a FLUID OUNCE is differnt than an ounce of solid material for YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS…………….!!!!!!!!

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And you say that  ZERO times ONE…………….is the same as ZERO times TWO. WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS it has to be twice as much.

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Pipe down out there….Let me handle this stuff.



Desmond Three Three (Tu Tu’s Son) writes in today dear Hughy: How much more does an ounce of Gold weigh…than an ounce of feathers?

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from Hugh

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Howdy Desi………….Well………….First let’s establish that an ounce of gold weighs A LOT MORE than an ounce of feathers. While ther have been many assertions to the contrary, IT IS OBVIOUS………..just from pickin up an ounce of gold…that it weighs more. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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There is no weigh that the wait is the same.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Now, regarding how much more………………………Gold weighs approximately 75% more per ounce. Look here. I’ve been studying this stuff since most of you got up this morning. Do knot question me on it. ANYBODY who second guesses the Service will be BANNED for a period of time equal to your weight in centimeters. Don’t mess with our assertions.

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H.A.S. will not lead you astray.




“Stinky” Smellman from Fort Knocks Kentucky writes in today to ask Dear Hugh….Why do whales have so much blubber? ??

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From Hugh

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Howdy Stinky……………….The first thing I want to do is mention that your name is absolutely absurd. You aught to be ashamed of your name.  But please don’t take that personally. It is not directed at you.

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Now……………How should I know why whales are so large?  Swimming is supposed to be good for your body mass index. Swimming is supposed to promote  a slender physique. Regular swimming is supposed to overcome all kinds of health problems caused by lack of exercise . Yet, whales are REALLY large. What we have hear is a very very confusing situation with all kinds of twists and turns and questions that remain. I am actually going to have to call my Aunt Bertha in for a consultation on this one.

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But she is in Peoria at a Spatula Convention.




Fred Tibbs from nowhere you ever heard of writes Dear Hugh: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall and had a great fall….But did it really take all the kings horses and all the kings men to put that egghead back together again???????????? And, if, I may speak frankly, What was an oblong shaped individual doing sitting on a wall in the first place…??

From Hugh

Howdy Fred…..This is obviously a multifaceted question. And there’s a lot to it……First, I know for absolute certain, that ALL of the kings horses and all the kings men were NOT involved in the EGG Repair………Horses are not widely known for being able to repair stuff. Especially fragile shells. And there were three of the kings men whom had absolutely nothing to do with the repair either. YOU CANNOT TRUST THESE KID STORIES.

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Next,,,,,Oblong egg shaped folks are more susceptible to wall-sitting than triangular or square people. This is a little understood phenomenon..but We hear at the Service are keenly aware of it…..You were wise to turn to us.

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