Archive for January, 2013

Baily Robertsone’ from Rascal Towne Alabama crawls out from under a ’49 Studebaker Classic and quickly types (while the oil is draining out)…..Dear Ole Hughbert, Is it true that you were a tight end at Possum Valley College? What do you really know about football and why? Also, when is the is the Supper Bowl ?

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From Ole Gridiron Hughy

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First of all, DONT ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS….. THE ONLY REASON IM NOT PUTTING YOU ON PROBATION FOR THIS IS THAT…… AUNT BERTHA HAS LOST THE PROBATION LIST AND FOULED UP THE SOFTWARE PROGRAM….NOW I DON’T KNOW WHO IS ALREADY ON PROBATION OR ANYTHING ELSE…… I may have to grant amnesty to everybody. But I digress.

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Now look Baily……..

My performance at PVC was no

pipe dream. But I was not a tight end.

I was a LOOSE END. Back in those daze,

the Loose Ends covered the hole field

doing whatever they wanted, whenever

they wanted. We didnt get much done and

we lost a lot….. But we felt good about ourselves.

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I know a lot about football…..but until I get a job getting payed millions of dollars a year,

I AIN”T GIVIN AWAY MY SECRETS.

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The Supper Bowl….. Is coming up this weekend….

(But the Tidy Bowl is already in the

cabinet and I hope the house cleaners will use it today)….

. We dont need to weight till this weekend.

The Supper bowl will start out very very close…….. keep a sharp eye on the very beginning….. As the game progresses, there will be significant conflict, and the key to victory will be to emerge with the highest score. (This type of game don’t work like golf.)

 

 

Penelope Clodde who lives in a house made entirely of old recycled Sippy cup plastic, in Drillbit Ohio writes in today’s stellar and insightful querstion…. Dear Hughy, I lost 149 pounds in one afternoon. Would you like to know how?

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From Not Born Yesterday Hughy……

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Penelope………. I have been dealing

with you and your questions for

TWO years now.

Finally, I let one of em get through

the screening process here at H.A.S,

and THIS IS WHAT I GET..!!!?????.

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I saw your photo on the Goofball Identification Webcleaner Browser Tool……and you can’t possibly have weighed over 150 pounds and you are Thirty years old and five foot three inches tall….. therefore , if you lost a hundred and forty nine pounds, THT WOOD ONLY LEAVE you weighing FIVE POUNDS…(or less).

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Now look……….. We hear at H>A>S are not

silly enough to believe that. So the issue is,

WHAT DID YOU MEAN?

I am going to assume that you lost an

anvil.

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If , for example, you possessed a 150 pound anvil that was slightly WORN. It might only way 149 pounds.(.Or if the moons gravitational pull was slightly off for a day or two.) Thusly, I theorize that you could have left it laying somewhere and forgotten where you put it. Leaving you to write inn this absurd statement about losing 149 pounds in won day.

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Or, Perhaps you lost some old British currency….?

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Don’t try this stunt again Penelope. We keep an eye out for your type of jokester, here at the Service.

Today I find myself with only three question on my desk. (The other 2,000 blew off in the floor when the central hughnit kicked on…) Of the three that are left…I choose this one. From Ethel Wardlow in Dizzy Springs Arizonuh, Dearest Hughy, You may have addresssed this before, but I was gold mining in Ecuador near the Equator…. Why is BABY Food Called baby food……? And When?

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From Culinary Hughbert

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Howdy Ethel……(are you the gal that ETHEL gasoline was named after) …I say you are. My assistant says you ain’t…. Maybe this will fuel the debate.

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You’re very fortunate Ethel, to get your question answered out of the 2003 entries today. It woodn’t have happend if our central unit was working right. But I don’t want to be a blowhard about that issue. We’ll get it fixed.

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And What do you mean “WHEN”?

Baby food is called baby food ALWAYS…..

So there.

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I may have answered this before, but there are a lot of new babies born daily that need to know about this issue. So we have to stay on top of things.

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The simple reason that it is called

BABY FOOD is that

It’s hard to get most adults around hear

To  EAT IT.

Can you imagine going in a restaurant in

this here town ….and they have a

SMORGASBOARD of

MINCED BROCCOLI IN PRUNE JUICE…?

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Or Pureed Turnip Roots in Pickled Beet Juice.?????

It just won’t sell around here……

We’ve been so blessed for so long in the United States

with waaaaaaaay more food than we need ….

that most folks who have tasted anything else won’t eat it.

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But , that could change quickly someday…….

and we need to be profoundly grateful to live in such a blessed land.

Ole Hughy

Today, I received so many questions from around the glob…..(and even one from a disoriented alien on Mars),….that I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is very different from simply being WHELMED…. or under whelmed…..So I will just pick the last one that came in. Dear Hughy, What is the meaning of the word “Whelmed”? Thanks, signed Mumpy Snodgrass, Erstwhile Indiana 45634

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From Erstwhile Hughbert..

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Well, HOW COIN CIDENTAL is that?

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I have to say

that worked out well,

due to the random nature of the timing.

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As mini of you no, LINGUISTICS and

ERUDITION

(along with LIBERRY SCIENCES)

are one of my strong suits….

And everybody kneads a good suit.

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The meaning of the word “WHELMED” is unknown. Due, largely to the simple fact that only one person ever used it and only two people heard it…..unfortunately they are both incarcerated in a monastery jail in Tibet.

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So we are guessing here.

We know that OVER WHELMED means..i.e.

WAY TWO MUCH “WHELMING”…..

THUSLY, whatever “whelming” is, most folks

don’t want too much of it at a time.

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Have agoo dday MUMPY……. I hope this cleared it up.

Rhino

Today From 11;15 p.m. till 11;16 p.m is National Hugh’s Answering Service Appreciates Readers Minute. Sixty seconds in which we hear at H.A.S. are thankful for both of you all over the world who read our advice. Here at the Frog Squat headquarters, our staff of thousands will stop what we are doing and sing a chorus of a song that we arent very familiar with. I feel a cents of gratitude….or at least I think that’s what it is…. (It could be my gall bladder acting up again) But that’s not something I want to make a big deal about. What ever it is I want to thank all of you who waste your time reading these helpful, Adroit….and Legubrious Posts. But before I say “thank you” ,…I’d like to say a few words.

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From Words I’ve always wanted to say Hughy.

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Ostentatious

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Erstwhile

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Philharmonic

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Photosynthesis

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El Paso

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Jerrymander

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Gargantuan

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Delectible

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and Finally……….. …………. Obtuse.

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Thanks for letting me say a few words before I got to my other point. Those are words that I’ve always wanted to say, but have not really had the opportunity. So I appreciate your patients.

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During National Hugh’s Answering

Service Appreciates Readers Minute Tonight……

I will stop whatever Im doing and then start again.

It’s the least I can do.

Really it is.

It truly is the absolute least I can do.

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 WARNING!!!!! this is a Serious note….. From Ole Hughbert

Thanks to each of you who take your time to read this blog….Though I put lots of goofy, outlandish and nutty stuff on here each day,…… I am very much aware of  the seriousness of life and the difficulty of many of the things we humans face in this ole world. and I hope that H.A.S. offers an occasional smile and brief diversion in the midst of it all…

  Hugh

Little Gertrude Chambly from Guzzlers Gulp Oklahoma is in serious trouble tonight….and in desperate need of our assistance here at H.A.S……She has apparently put regular dish detergent in an automatic dishwasher AGAIN !!!….Her communication sounds a little bit “GURGLY” but she says…She put in three cups of liquid Joy…. and now there is a wall of soap suds 12 feet deep moving across town engulfing everything in sight…..BUT THAT THINGS ARE CLEANER. She ends her message with “Hep me! Hep me…! .”BUBBLE BUBBLE”..Somebody Hep me!”

From Ole Hughbert…..

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Well……Gertrude…..Why don’t you stand outside and sing something by Pavorotti…?

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You can call it a SOAP OPERA….!.

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I WANT YOU TO COME CLEEEEEAN

ABOUT WHAT REALLLY happened….

before you seek to start sopping up the mess…..

But wait….let me go buy stock

in a paper towel company before

the work starts….

Otherwise, I’m not sure I can

ABSORB ….

WHAT IS HAPPENIN…..!!!!!!

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Listen two me Gertrude….. I have had to advise

you on this absurd behavior of yours already back in 2010.

Your misuse of products is the stuff of legend.

YOU MUST USE THINGS

ONLY AS DIRECTED…..!!!!!!

ONLY AS DIRECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Are you listening this time Gerty?????

If it doesnt’ say DISHWASHER DETERGENT..

…..DONT PUT IT IN THE MACHINE.

DISH detergent is a different

chemicalistic conglomerationism.

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wpid-Possum-on-head-with-Cheese.jpg

Caldonia Erstonne, who is a Linguini Manufacturer in Chitling Tennessee….., Steps forward from her chair and tells her Secretary to type…. DEAR HUGHBERT…. The post yesterday about the “Bottle in a Message” was truly outrageous. Why you are not apprehended or caught for violating Federal Corny Joke Rules is beyond me. BUT BUT BUT, I did do so research on the H.A.S. Corporate Headquarters that you mentioned… YA”LL HAVE SUCH A NICE PLACE THERE…! Is it really 250 square feet? And I love the out house…….But my question is this, Why are songs with no words called “Instrumentals”….but songs with no instruments are NOT CALLED……… “WORDSTRUMENTALS”?

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From Multi-type Musical Hughbert,

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Now look Caldonia………….

Any system of  linguistics thatte relies

on FONIKZ.

,,,….Can be expected to present

other anomaleez az well …..

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Eye have tryed two poiwnt this owt vary cleerlee

over thee yearz hear atte thee service.

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Such idiosyncratic dulbernisms wreak of inconsistency and yette are proclaimed as if  they are  ERUDITE… and, thusly, promotional of ADROITNESS and Gembelisitic Insight.

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While such is obviously knot the case, their is a certain system that has foisted its self upon us….

AND AINT KNOW KNEAD IN FIGHTIN IT MY FRIEND………….

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Simply fall in line with the presently accepterized Yakking terminology and get back to your Linguini creations.

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