Archive for October, 2011

Ursula Eelsling from Yip Scotland rights in today…..dear Hugh….I am starting a used toothpick business…….Some people have had concerns regarding the idea…but it seems like such a great recycling effort….and my cousin Willie has loaned me twelve dollars and two toothpicks to get started…..Why?

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From Hugh:

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What do you mean ……”why?”………..How on earth wood eye no?………………However, I must point out that it does sound like a great great business idea to me…..If I may get picky for a moment, It is going to be like pulling teeth to get some people to go for this idea…….So don’t get all “down in the mouth” if it doesn’t go well at first……….



Sylvia Scrunch from Giblet Twist Tennessee writes………..dear Hugh: I was just sitting out on the porch listening to my next door neighbor singing while he polishes his mothers old TUBA in the driveway. It seems to make him so happy to scrub and shine that wonderful ole thing…..I’m thinking about buying me one. Should I buy me one?

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From Hughy

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Well………………TUBAs are dear to my heart because I was raised next to a Tuba Factory….(where they also did discount automotive brake repair)…But the memories are indeed some of my favorites…….

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When I hear a low EFLAT blown through a fine old TUBA…It brings tears to my eyes…..And to nearly everyone that hears it……Its emotional for all concerned……for various reasons……….

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Should you buy one….?………….No………………..You should buy TWO. A matching set and share one with your wife or motherinlaw…..Whichever one really really wants one the most………

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Tilly Yadler from Range Arizona……writes dear Hugh: Me and My cousin Edna drove from Flagstaff to Mucsle Shoals Alabama to watch a band play at a restaurant….We reserved a table for 6. We got there on time and they had the table ready. …..but there were no chairs. We were very grateful to have a place to sit our plates on the table but got tired after standing for 1 hr and forty five minutes……Is this normal in Alabama….?

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From Hughy

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Yes Tilly,……I Alabama when you reserve a table…..You must specifically request that the chairs are reserved also. Duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…..All you asked for was a TABLE..

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Simply say to the MATRADEEEEEEE………….I want to reserve a TABLE FOR SIX……AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNND…….SIX CHAIRS…..How hard can that be…….? Get with it out there in ARIZONIA.




Earline Quigley……from Down under….Writes Dear Hugh: Yesterday I was so utterly impressed by your erudite and suave approach to the man who wanted to buy a used mop…..I can’t tell you how much we appreciate you being there for the massess who seek guidance and insight into everyday dilemmas such as this…..Just knowing you are out there somewhere ready to help (without regard for your personal safety)….Constantly vigilant with regard to obscure trends in stuff that nobody cares about….We here in Austria appreciate it sew much!!!!!!!!!!

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From Hughy

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Hi Earline….DOWN UNDER!!!!!!!!!!!….Its good to hear from Austria…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……………Ya’ll are a mighty big island. Do you ever feel surrounded…?

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Your gratitude touches me deeply…….I think I feel it somewhere in or around my gall bladder…..(Though its hard for me to say with any degree of certitude due to my marginal understanding of internal anatalmy)……..

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Think nothing of it Erma……I pay close attention to stuff that doesnt matter….as a public service. Dont thank me. It only makes me feel inadequate and ulblandian.





Willey Ray Dellman from Guzzlers Cringe Tennessee Writes in today……Dear Hugh: I’d like to buy a good used mop. What should I look for….?

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From Hughy

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Howdy Willey……………..What do you mean …”WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR”?…………………………You just said you were looking for a used mop!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thusly…………………That is what you should be scanning the scenery for…………………….(Yes I ended on a preposition…..)……………Used mops are more and more in vogue..Especially the ones that don’t work good……

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That way husbands simply can say…….”My Dearest Sweet Chickadee………..I cant mop the floor like you wanted….The mop is defective….”

A useless mop is one of the handiest things in the world to keep around…….

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More household tips later…………………



Fred S. Tare from Less Vegas writes dear Hugh: What is the square root of TWO……..?

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From Hughy

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Well Fred……..I’m not gonna dance around the question…

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The Square root of two…… is the number which, when multiplied by itself……yields the sum of 1 plus 1……………..So there.

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This stuff is not as hard as you think………..




Illiovich Ridwidder from Wig South Carolina writes……Dear Hugh: I have an overwhelming urge to Cross the English Channel,…..Why?

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From Hughy

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Well Illiovich………..I never liked watching the BBC either..

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So I’m like you…..I just pass over it……,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,……………

The very idea makes my head swim.

Thank you so much for sharing this feeling you have with all of the folks out here in Cyberspace…….I hope their apathy doesn’t bother you.

But I really don’t care to talk about it.

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