Archive for September, 2011

The National association of Elephant Handlers from Sheffield , North Dakota writes…..Dear Hugh: We just wanted to drop you a line praising your brilliant treatment of the issue that was raised yesterday regarding “Dinky” and his house-breaking training. You approached it in such a suave, concise, ebullient, gregarious, erudite and polyphonic manner. Because we know what a babbling goob you are…..We were quite surprised. But We have to admitt that FOR ONCE…you got your advice CORRECT. Though we are still on a crusade to squelch your rambling diatribes. But we Have to Admit….Dinky’s life will be better because of you.

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From Hughy

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Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…………………If you want to admit something…YOU MUST GO TO THE ADMITTING ROOM……

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Yes……I heard from Dinky’s family today…………He is doing well…..and as soon as they get the front wall replaced and have a garage door put in the living room…..Everything will run smoothly…..



Randle Surslip from Julip Florida writes dear Hugh…My wife and I took in a newborn elephant because it needed a home. SURE !. It was easy enough to handle when it only weighed 263 pounds…..BUT NOW the rascal weighs EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND FORTY SIX POUNDS. We have a problem. We love little Dinky a lot but we must house-train him soon. Do you have any pointers on housebreaking an elephant?

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From Hughy

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Hello there ole pal………….I really dont see a problem here…..BUT , since you asked………………YES. I do know a great deal about this, since me and several of my closest fiends have had PACHYDERM PETS extensively.

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Elephants are easy to House Break. But It is also easy for them to Break Your HOUSE. Frequently the doors are too small on their first trip out.

After they break the walls down, it really isn’t an issue anymore. As the rebuilding starts….simply adjust the door size for your particular species….

Elephants do like treats. So WHEN THEY DO GOOD…..Get a ladder and pet em on the head and say goooooooooooooood pachyderm. Then give them their usuall treat of 40 pounds of ground eucalyptus bark.

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Stick with it….they are so much fun to snuggle with in your recliner while you watch Spatula commercials on QVC.



Velma Turnblatt from Her cell on Alcatraz writes dear Hughy: Do you know much about Hibachis and Hibachi grilling? and, if you do….will you, FOR ONCE, keep it to yourself and not tell all of us about it…..? I am so weary of your endless prattle. I am Hughy. I really really am. By the way, when does your next book come out.?

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Hello out thereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I hope Alcatrzisnottooconfining………………….Now…..Yes , I do know a grate deal about Hibatchis and Hibatchi grilling….

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The Hibatchi is a small Japanese rodent..(similar to the Japanese Koala bear) and is indigenous to south Carolina (and Three Wal-Mart parking lots in the state of Connecticut ) ……….

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Hunting season is short……and so is the Hibatchi…..

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The male Hibatchi stands about 4 inches tall and weighs 4 pounds and has 4 legs…..Now you know what its FOUR.

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Once the Hibatchis is properly prepped by properly preparing it…simply bake it at 700 degrees for five hours on a One half inch thick piece of depleted uranium.

Season to taste.



Slyva Yikkitz from Hoooooo Indonesia writes….dear Hughy………My mother says you are nothing but a silly ole “golfball”…..Let’s settle this once and for all….Are you a GOLFBALL?

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From Hughy

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Hi Slyva……………Im going to assume here that your mother meant “GOOFBall”……….(there may be a cultural communication issue…)…..

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It has been asserted that I am , in fact, a GOOFBALL………….Which is not to be confused with being a golfball……There is know way I can fly hunerds of yards through the air and land in a whole….simply by being swatted with a stick..

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A goofball….is  a much more complex entity…..requiring a grate deal of effort and oddness. A goofball is far less likely to be spotted on a golf coarse.




Bill Dipperly from Dill Squirt Tennessee writes dear Hugh…….Are there any LIVE possums or armadillos left on the face of the earth?

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From Hughy

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Howdy Bill…… NO….not as far as we can tell.

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Since the internal combustion engine increased the mobility of the earlier invention called the WHEEL,……our marsupial friends have  suffered a serious setback.

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While it is conceivable that a few remain alive……It ain’t looking good for the little fellers……..Playing dead in front of a bear or coyote worked a lot better than playing dead in front  of a speeding truck………

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I do feel for the little rascals…….They got along fine for hunerds and hunerds of years………….except for an occccasssional run-in with a rock rolling off a hill…or some such thang.






Harvey Tingglere’ from Ipslunk Iceland writes (in an absolute panic)…………Dear Hughy: The Doctor tells me I have “VERTTEE BRAYS” all up and down my back!………That sounds serious. Is a Verttee Braye similar to a chigger…..? And is that why my back is itching…..?e

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From Hughy

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Dear Harv……….No. You rbac kisitch Ing beca useyou.  ‘ve got poison ivy from laying on your back raking leaves last Friday. I know you get tired easily……BUT PALEEEEEESE. At least use a yard chair……

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And may I reccccommmend having a pest control company spray for the Verttees……… It sounds serious…..Even though they don’t cause itching….

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Willifred Doubber from Gilchester Denmark writes Dear Hugh…..I know that you have travelled expensively in the jungles of Antarctica and the Forests of the Sudan , learnin the various home remedies of the indigenious peoples,….. (along with studying intrastelluline epidlumsticlology at A&M),,,,…So, I’m curious….What is the best weigh to remove warts?

From Hugh

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Hi………….Well…………………Remove warts from what? How am I supposed to know what species or phylum or person or amphibian you are to refferring. (Couldn’t end on a preposition).

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Normally I recommend a poultice made of mustard and turnip greens…mixed with pureed raisin bran………..Apply this for three weeks to the affected area……Then. go to a doctor and get him to freeze the wart off……so you can quit running around town smelling like an herb processing plant.



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