Archive for September, 2015

Hilda Mae Warblelip ,……who frankly, doesn’t know where she’s from….or have a clue what she’s doing….writes in today…excited about my mention of the Hugh’s Answering Service Hotline……She writes Simply…….Dear Hughy, WHAT IS THE NUMBER?.

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From Munerical Hughbert….

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THE NUMBER FOR WHAT?

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What do you mean WHAT IS THE NUMBER?

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There are numbers for

all kinds of things and

………….they vary widely.

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You must be Spacific……..

Kinda like they were when they named the

Specific Ocean…..

And I may have already mentioned this…..

But

What’s the big deal about the dude

that discovered the Pacific Ocean…?

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The thing is enormous……THOUSANDS OF MILES across….

It’s huge!!!!

How hard can it be to find??????????????????

Mercy!!!!!.

It’s not like he was looking for a TV REMOTE.

Pig debate

Discussions with a large swine

What a Boar.

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Mienekke Muff Lerr from Harolds Quick Stop (and Pickle Wholesale) in Addington Idaho writes …..Dear Hugh, ……..what is the difference between a “winnder of opportunity”………and an “open door”…?…..and ,if not,…why not..?

Well……..This is an excellent inquiry…

There is a substantial divergence in the characteristics

of the two holes in the wall……

Not surprisingly,…..the winnder doesn’t go all

the way to the floor.

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BUT DOORS USUALLY DO.

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You should be able to spot it

RIGHT OFF THEB AT.

If you can’t FIGGER this out…

we may need to work through some

other issues….

CALL OUR HOTLINE.

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Of course door s OR WINDERS can be a

PANE………………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I guess you saw right through that.

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Rhino

I thought we sprayed for RHinos about a month ago…

THERE BACK…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wpid-IMAG0572.jpg

In a sssssssssshocking departure from the normal eruditional suaveness and ambient certainty of competental expectorancy……. We here at H.A.S have watched our feckless and fearless Leader “Hughy” run shrieking from his office, hollering …”I don’t have a clue”!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t have a clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”……..Apparently, Hugh is suffering from lack of nutrition to his cranial orb…..So today’s question will be answered by Aunt Bertha………………. From Hughy out behind a dumpster in the Wal Mart Parking Lot………….”Dear Aunty B…….. What are the proper nutrients necessary to maintain proper mental flunction?”

From Aunty bertha…..

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Welllll wellll wellll………….

Ole Hughy!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like you are having to write in to

YOUR OWN ANSWERING SERVICE…

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And I must say to my dear nephhugh…that there is

no level of nutrition that is going to help your brain

function normally. Or “normally function”

(as the case may be.)

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But……It will help if you eat a lot of

KUMQUATS……

They dont have much vitamin “Q”…

But you’ll get a kick out of saying the word

“Kumquat”

over and over……

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You may Also try vitamin

“I” and vitamin “Q” Supplements….

Raising your I Q levels will be

partricularly useful…..

Often you can get you I Q’s levels tested

….. but dont go to a Dr’s office.

they cant do it there.

(For whom nose what reason.)

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By the way…get yourself back here…we’ve got questions to answer….

And I cant sit here all day with this stuff….I gotta set out some Mater plants.

Cerry Shiblert, a Bass singer from Gobbler’s Gulch Georgia……..writes…..Dear Hughy, many peolpe think a “bass singer” is a feller that tries to sing like a gamefish………………And I take a fence to that. Please let people know what it means to be a “BASS SINGER”…..I dont actually have aquestion….I just had that request….Am I in trouble?

…..

From Almost Hughy

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Welllllllll …You were almost in trouble,

BUT ,..

You asked a question there at the very end.

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The last guy that wrote inn without a question

ended up on a chain gang in Rhode Island.

You came closeb uster.

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Now…………..

I can only imagine the confusion that comes

with trying to sing like a

gamefish…

What do you have to do?……..

Stick your head in a bucket and come up

every three measures for air?

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We all know what a BASS SINGER is…..

But , when it’s in print,….

A feller can’t really tell………….

……..

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It’s just a good thing you’re not a

CATFISH SINGER……

Cause you’d have to have real long whiskhers….

just TWO of em………

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Big Bubba Barnblatt from Rustic Ditch Tennessee….writes Dear Hughbert…Do you walk in your sleep or talk in your sleep..?

Howdy from Hughy….

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Well …..no I don’t walk in my sleep…..

But I do walk in
OTHER PEOPLES SLEEP…..

ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE SNORING

AND SNORTING

AND KEEPING EVERYONE AWAKE…..

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Sometimes I will even get up on the couch

or hammock

they are in …and walk around

until they are not in their sleep anymore.

Heeeeeee.!

Haw:……….

It is possible that I have addressed

this issue before…..

BUT, If sew, I must have done it while

I was walking in somebody else’s sleep

and I , THUSLY, Don’t remember it…..

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I don’t recall.

I don’t recall…..

I dont’ recall………..

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Oh dear, Im sounding like a politician

giving testimony about some sort of shenanigans.

Wally Wendell Wadsworth IV is passing through Frog Squat Al …(near our H.A.S. corporate headquarters)….and stops at the main office to ask this important question.. Dear Hugh…. I have a pet gerbil. What is the best way to groom and care for a small “rat-like” vermin pet?

From Hughy

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Cut out the formality Wally….!!!

We’re just standing here talking…..

Anybody whom drops by the corporate headquarters

can just CHAT….

without all the …”dear hughy” stuff….

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I’m a knot-headed ole goofball……..No Floormatily is necessary.

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GERBILS GERBILS GERBILS>>>>>>>>>>!

Who on earth would want a rat for a pet…..?

Why not get a PET ROCK?…Like they did back

in the seven tease…?

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The best way to groom a Gerbil….

Is to carefully place it on the trunk lid

of a ’76 AMC GREMLIN Automobile…

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And run it through the gentle cycle of the Local Carwarsh.

The little rascal may not get completely clean….

But when he comes outta there…he’s gonna

have a different attitude about things.

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Many people find that, after this operation,

the gerbil will be marginally agitated.

So I am going to suggest that you avoid interacting

with it in any close proximity for several weeks.

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You can talk to it from a distance…..But don’t get two clothes.

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Today here at H.A.S……we are sitting closely by Aunt Bertha’s Side ….Serving her hand and foot as she recovers from having had her hibiscus removed. ( They were supposed to have removed her gall ballder…but accidentally inverted the scaplel incision and YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED…….Anyhow….Aunt Bertha simply asks me a question, since she’s sitting write here beside me….. Hey Hughy, “What is the meaning of the phrase… A rolling Stone gathers no Moss?”

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Howdy to Bertha

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Well Aunt Bertha………

I’m glad you are feeling well enough to right…

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I remember Granny Clampett

(on the Bevery Hillbillies TV show)

had her Hibiscus removed and there was quite

a recovery period.

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BUT I WISH YOU WOULD

STOP ASKING US TO Bring you your

favorite Raisin Bran and Sauer Kraut

Casserole every hour on the hour.

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“A Rolling stone Gathers no moss………..”…

Is a phrase that dates back almost to the time

when it was first used.

(But not quite)

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I believe it was first said by

Earline Sheepwatcher

(a goatherd from Tibet)..

She made the statement after watching a

rock roll off a hill….

and noticing that it didnt have any fungus on it

whatsoever.

.

The real question is…

“Why on earth did she make

Such a big deal about it.?”…..

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