Archive for March, 2012

Kinsington Perlegad Throckmorton III from Beckleshine England writes Dear Hugh……….Where does a Seven Hundred Pound GORILLA sleep?

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From Hugh

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Howdy Kensington…………For many years there were assertions made (by people whom were trying to be funny)…regarding the potential sleeping locations for large apes.

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It was repeatedly stated that these varmits could and would sleep ANYWHERE THEY WANTED TOO. I never thought it was funny. Because I instinctively knew that it wasn’t factual..

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The simple fact is that most , if not all REPUTABLE lodging establishments specifically preclude APES lounging around and sleeping on their premises. Often the Common Gorilla or Orangutan  is seen being escorted from a Marriott or Hyatt Regency. They won’t allow it. It’s that simple.

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The fact is …..that a seven hundred pound Gorrilla has to seek permission form the FDA and the CDP and PETA to get any rest in most areas of this country.

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I’m glad to finally set this issue to rest.




Mandy Lou PeaBody from Yankkedoodledandy Massachusetts writes…..dear Hugh: I took some triple strength cold medicine and now i can benchpress 300 pounds and pickup economy cars on one end. This is good stuff. Where can I get more?

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Howdy Mandy…….Yes!!!!!!!……….Triple strength is good stuff……Whereas you could only benchpress 100 pounds before the medication…You should now be able to do 300lbs….(at least till the meds wear off.)…Becareful WHOM you recccommmend this stuff two….Some big ol boys that are already reall strong could become very dangerrss if they take this stuff……they might tear up lots of stuff INADVERTENTLY. (((Yes INADVERTENTLY////look it up.)))

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As far as where you can get more…..I would assume that you couls return to the store from WHENCE you got it in the first place. (Yes I said WHENCE. Whence is the poetic form of the word “WHERE”. …and I can use it iffern I want two.)

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Be careful if you go back to the store while at triple your normal strength. You could inadvertently hurt something or someone….And I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS……….I have warned you ahead of time….(Which is an excellent way to warn someone…AHEAD of time)…





Dillard Wombatte from Bubble Fling Wisconsin writes…Dear Hughy: I heard that you were just signed to a 9 million dollar a year contract playing water polo with the New Jersey Walrus’s …..How accurate is this report? and what does a feller do with that much money?

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From Hugh

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Well…..It’s fairly accurate except for the fact that the amount is $90.00….Total. And it’s not water polo……It’s a pogo stick league.

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And it’s not per year………It’s per lifetime.

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Now………As to what a feller does with Nine Million dollars a year……………..I guess I would pay it on my bills…(as far as it would go.) And then put the rest of the bills in my will for my son to pay.

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Yuk Yuk………………..You aught to consider joining the pogo stick league…..It has it’s ups and downs……but you can learn to bounce back.




Skunky Crabtree from Leighton Alabama writes….Dear Hugh: Im’ fixin to to to to to to take a math test. One of the formulas I’m required to know is Pie R Cubed times the hypoteneuse of the rectangle , less the sum of two sides and a partridge in a pear tree…….Then it asks me to solve for “X”……How do I solve for “X”?

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From Hugh

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This is just basic stuff Skunky,.,,,,,,,,,,,,,……..Figguring this out is much easier than understanding what a girl or woman really means when they tell you they don’t want anything for their birthday…..Or when they say “Nothing is wrong Honey.”…….

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Now……………………The way I always solve for “X”…….Is to find someboday who knows what “X” is………….Or at leasst someone whom knows somebody who can figger it out. Normally, by the time you solve for it, you don’t need to know anymore anyhow.

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The average person whom studies math and such goings on for long periods of time,…..has completely forgotten why they were doing it,…by the time they answer all the questions and solve for all the letters and such stuff.

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It’s like, by the time the astronoauts got to the moon and back…….nobody really remembered what they went up there for in the first place. They started solving for X like ten years before they blasted off……(So much to think about here……It reminds  me of why I never grow asparagus,…It takes three years to grow it,..and by then, I cant remember where I planted it….)/





Danny Schmidlekoffer from Cades Quake Ohio writes dear Hugh: What is the best way to get rid of fees and ticks…..?

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From Hugh

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Welllllllllllllllll……………….The best way to get rid of ticks is to strike them with a hammer (after carefully placing them individually on an anvil). The second best weigh is to Place them individually on a hammer and then strike the hammer with an anvil / BUT I recommend the first technique …due to the average anvil weighing 200 pounds,…which makes them hard to swing.

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The best way to get rid of fees……….Is to wear a fee collar…………OR Stop sending your kids to private schools.

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YES………..I know there are fees at public schools two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……Dont bother me with details.


Mrs. Parry Hollder from behind an ironing board (where she is obviously doing WOMEN’S WORK)……writes Dear Hugh: Are you a male chauvinist?…..Hurry up and let me know, I’ve got to get some more warshing and Ironing done before Fred gets home. I want to get his slippers and massage his feet just as soon as he comes through the door..

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From Hugh

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No. No No No No No No No………….Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am not a male chauvinist. Are you kidding me??????????????????????

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Excuse me just one second………………………………”HONEY WOULD YOU BRING ME A MINT JULIP WITH A DASH OF LEMON AND THREE CUBES OF ICE…….SHAKEN NOT STIRRED?”…………………………………………….

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Ok……………..I’m back now……………..No!!!!!! I’m not one of them there chauvenistists. Are you kidding me? Well…………Are you?????????????????????????????????

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By the way Ms. Hollder,…………….could you do some ironing for me while I sip this mint julip on the veranda?




Effy Lou Sheldon from New York City writes dear Hugh….Who grows SESAME SEEDS?….and WHY?

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From Hugh

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Howdy Effster…………..Thank you so much for this important question. So many people don’t care about the origin of Sesame Seeds. The apathy regarding this subject is so thick you can’t cut it with a knife.

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Therefore the time has come for me to illucidate the whole twisted and tangled labyrinth of intrigue that is , in fact, the Sesame Seed Syndicate……

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The reason the Sesame Seed Consortium Syndicate is not widely known is this,,,,,……Nobody wants to admit they have spent their life growing tiny seeds that don’t have any taste or amount to squat on the average hamburger. Frequently , Sesame Seed Farmers can bee seen with old feed sacks over their heads….(even when seated in Nice restaurants). If you see a grown man with a sack or other container over his head in a public place, there is a HUGE CHANCE that he is a Sesame seed farmer………..

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There are support groups available for these fellers. …..but everybody there has a sack over their head…..And their hamburgers have EXTRA SEEDS on em.

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