Archive for April, 2015

Sylvia Dershowitzly from the Upper Pen Insula of Oahu writes dearest Hughbert: I heard on a commercial for Household Security Systems that “a house is buglarized every 14.3 seconds”. I got to thinking that poor family can’t even get through suppertime ONCE without getting robbed. Whom are they? and Why don’t they do something about it?”

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From Secure Hughy

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Well Sylvia……..You are correct. It’s awful.

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I have researched this and found out that the home this is happening to is in Oildrip Oklahoma. The family’s name is  “Bublbreadth”  Fred and Sally Sue Bublebreadth. And, as you can imagine, they are just about fed up with the situation.

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I called to check on em…..and they were robbed three times while I was on the phone with Fred..

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One thing I asked was,…”How do you have anything left in the house after this Frequent Robberrrry Ordeal (FRO)”?  Fred says there is a constant stream of Insurance adjusters and delivery vans from appliance and computer stores due to their very GOOD replacement insurance.

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There are numerous questions that remain unanswered (which is probly why they are still questions)……….One of them is …

“What good is ME BUYING A SECURITY SYSTEM form MY HOUSE gonna do  Fred and Sally? Why are the TV commercials directed at me?

I’m not the one getting robbed every 14.3 seconds.

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Poor Sally was cooking supper last Tuesday and had just filled a new stainless steel crockpot with Asparagus tips…..When some thug ran through the kitchen and stole a bag of artichoke hearts that were for little Timmy’s school lunch the next day…………..It’s heart-breaking.

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I want to help…..but I’m afraid if I go over there …. some punk will steal my new Hugh Suede Shoes.

Gertrude Cabner from Warshington DC writes Dear Hughy………..Since you refuse to run for PRESIDENT in spite of the millions who begged you to enter the race….Would you at least fill us in on the system of CHECKS AND BALANCES that our founders set in place for our governmental structure?

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From Non Candidate Hughy

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Howdy Gerty…………Yes!!!  I will fill you in on the system of Checks and Balances.

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Within our system of systems that control other systems while the main systems function ……Is a system of old systems that was orginally  called Checks and Balances. ..(It’s still called that , so I frankly don’t know why I said it was Originally called that since it still is called that and was never called anything else)..

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The problem Gerty is simply this……The AMOUNTS OF THE CHECKS…………are waaaay bigger than the BALANCES ….. in the Bank accounts.

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This leads to what is commonly reffferrred to as …”FLAT Broke”.

And it is caused by something that is not talked about very much.

Which is….  POOR JUDGMENT.

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Since bad financial judgment is so common in DC…, hardly anybody there notices it. BUT ..Lots of regular folks KNOW that we can’t write CHECKS unless our bank BALANCES are biggee ‘nough to handle’em.   Somehow, that tidbit of information often gets lost once folks get electorized to orffice in Warshington CD…..

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But listen Gerty……………..It’s not as bad as I’m saying it is……………………………. ……………………………………. …………………….

It’s worse.

Which leads me to the fact that I am changing my mind and running for President on the “”I’ve Got Some COMMON SENSE”” Party’s Ticket.  Vote for me…..!!!!!!!!!! If you’d like to support my candidacy (or me running for office…..Simply send me lots and lots of  money. (or Wal-Mart gift certicifittes) If I have any left over, I get back with you later.

Thanks so mulch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ole Hughy For President

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Kleenex subsitute

Little 6 year old Buggy Shellman from behind a malfunctioning voting machine at a Cattle Food store in Buggfussle Alabama writes Dearest Mr. Hugh…. What is the substantive difference, both in incinuated and real applicational aspectology, between the word “UNIQUE” and the word “RARE”….?

From Mr. Hughy

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Howdy Buggster……….!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s up ole buddy!!!!!!!………….

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I must say Bugg,……….you have quite a vocabulary for an eight year old kid……( My assistant says you are SIX…but that is obviously not the case. No one six years old can use words that big. So there. You are at least EIGHT. Go tell your mommy.) And, while I’m at it.,….I want you to stop making up words. It’s just got to stop…..Big MADE-UP WORDS….are a NO NO.

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Now…….The word ……..Unique…….. means……………

“AIN’T BUT ONE OF EM”……

((((An example of  “Unique” would be ………

a stalk of RAW BROCCOLI that tastes as good as a Snickers Bar.))))))

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The word ‘RARE” means…..   Ain’t Very Many of ‘EM.

(An example of “rare” would be ………Politicians that have great wisdom and truly honest hearts.)

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There are some….but not a whole bunch…………….. that means RARE.

So there you go………. Buggster………………..

 

                         HEE !!! Make sure you’re a

                                       GOOD UNIQUE…..!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ignatious Mousefoote from the loading dock at a Turnip Storage Facility in Calhoun Georgia writes dear Hughy: I am sneezing, coughing and ravaged by unpleasant symptomizationalisms…But I’m not contagious. Would you and your family like to come over for supper?

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From Old Medical expurt Hughy…….

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Thanks sew mulch for the invitation!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have got to watch some water evaporate …all evening.  ……. (Just to make sure that the ambient atmosphere is still able to absorb all the moisture necessary for such an operation).

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Many times over my long and lengthy life……I have heard folks coughing and sneezing and wheezing…and then heard ’em say “Oh don’t worry…I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS!!!!!!!”

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My thought is this………  WELL…….If IT”S NOT CONTAGIOUS…. THEN HOW DID YOU GET IT????????????”What did you do…Serve as a “spontaneous combustion chamber for the personal invention of a new health malady?”.

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Did your DNA suddenly develop a COLD VIRIUS that only affects your physicalistical self….? And, if sew, Would you please stop starting  new diseases, before it gets out of control…? (Yes I said “stop starting”. I’ve always wanted to say that.)

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Let’s all be careful out there with non contagious stuff. Somebody might get it. HEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Now……….Regarding my usual pictures that accompany these illuminatrory postings…..SOMEBODY HAS CHANGED THE WEBSITE WHENCE I HAVE FOUND EM>…………….AND I am TRYING TO FIGGURE OUT HOW TO FIND OTHER PICS FOR THE BLOG THAT ARE LEGALLILY ALLOWABLE FOR SUCH STUFF AS THIS……AAAAAAAAAAND INTERESTING.

Meanwhile …I may have to take pictures of various household items and post them……..

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     WelllllllllI found these three for today……..The dachsund on stilts is my favorite!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Bledsoe Snivvler from Twesme Kansas writes Dear Hughy…..I have heard that you are a master chef….and that your recipes are the stuff of legend…can you please please please share with us one of your very favorites….?

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From Hughy

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YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I most certainly can and will……………………….

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The recipe of the weak….this weak is Bubble Gum and Cardboard Sooflay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The grate thing about this dish is that you can eat it for two or three weaks…..and it’s just as good left over……..!!!!!!!!!

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One issue Im still trying to work out is that , even when baked properly at 650 degrease for four hours (in a convection oven), its still not as tender as I would prefer…..But, SO WHAT, once you get it chewed up, it’s really filling and tastes perty good for a few minutes….(Till the gum looses it’s flavor).

.NOTICE!!!!!…………Do not skimp on the cooking time or temperature….in case the bubble gum ingredient HAS GUM DISEASE.

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Simply take 97 pakcs of Double Bubble Chewing Gum  (ANY FLAVOR) and…………Thoroughly  dice 47 old Cheerios Boxes. Mix to desired consistency. Bake and enjoy…….!!!!!!!!!!!!




Benny Wadsworth Longfellow…(Henry’s brother) writes in today from his desk at the Sawdust factory in Boogaloosa Louisiana…..dear Hugh….Why did the Possum cross the road?

From hughy

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What a marvelous question…………!!!!!!!!!!!

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Form any years people have been aghast at the prospect of a possum seeking to traverse a highway (or byway) of our fair land.

The “aghast reaction” has been learned from the myriad incidenceses in which the lanquid marsupials fail in his or her or their quest .

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Many people feel dpressed when they see what happenes. But while you feel depressed….THE POSSUM IS COMPRESSED. Which, by the way, is far worse. Many possums fail to survive the compression fractures that are sustained in such goings on.

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For centuries, no one new of a possum actually CROSSING THE ROAD………So the “WHY”? never was an issue.

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In spite of Possum Awareness Courses (PAC) being offered,…….people are still causing em all kinds of grief.

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      NHUGH’S FLASH!!!!   NEWS FLASH…………………!!!!!!

I have just been called away to an EYEWITNESS SIGHTING of a HUGH F OHHHHH……….

IF i am knot abducted by it…………I will finish the possum explanation……………later…………

Ooooooooooooo the duties of this job…………………………………..

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OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK…………….I’m back…………..the “UFO” turned out to just be two 85 year old ladies that had bought  a motorized Cup and Saucer at a Disneyworld rummage sale….and were driving it out on County road 12.

Now…………Possums were spotted, actually making it across the road on April 14th 2006 in  Percers Bluff Idaho…..BUT the folks whom saw it, were so shocked by the event, that they failed to ask the varmits WHY they crossed the road in the first place.

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So..to be honest………..QUESTIONS REMAIN.



Nadine Schrimshire from under a John Dear Cotton picker where she is removing lint from 4000 spindles….stops long enough to right this brilliant question ….Dear Hugh: In one of Elvis Parsleys biggest songs…He sanged the line “You Ain’t Nuthin’ but a HOUND DOG”…..Is he denegrating dogs in general ?…or is he refferring to an unknown human being as a member of the canine species simply based on the behavioral characteristics which he clearly points out as “cryin all the time” and “you ain’t never caught a rabbit”? I can’t enjoy the song with all these questions remaining unresolved.

 

From Ole Hughbert

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Howdy Nadine…………Like millions of others, you seek the answers to some very difficult….BUT IMPORTANT questions.

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However………….Unless you send me TEN BUCKS wrapped neatly inside a Twenty dollar Bill……I ain’t gonna tell you the answer.

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Just kidding Nadine…………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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You don’t have to wrap it in a TWENTY………..I will accept it WRAPPED in a HUNDRED. (U S currency only)

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Meanwhile I’m gonna answer a question that somebody else sent in today that didn’t make the cut…………….So there.

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The answer to the question they sent in is……………………………..

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“7”

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Did they ask me………. What is SIX plus ONE?……………or Did they ask me  What is FIFTEEN MINUS EIGHT? or 369 minus 361?????? their is KNOW WEIGH FOUR EWE TWO NO……And I ain’t a’tellin.

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