Archive for August, 2013

Lila Fae Craggly Shergood Thimbleflicker who has to have extra spaces to fill out any standardized form for gubmint applications,………..writes very simply,……..Dear Hugh,…..Gas mileage is determined for various engines in certain weighs, but how is gas mileage determined for weed eater engines….?

….Howdy …


Now look…..

First of all, you need to get your name


That is absloutely absurd and

I didnt even want to let you get

your question asked because of

such ridiculousness..


I also want to warn you who

read these posts that what I am

fixin to say in answer to her question

is so corny that EVEN EYE…am hesitant

to say it.



I have an image to maintain.


Weed eater GAS Mileage

is measured by the










By the yard.

I couldnt help myself.

But I told you up front it was

gonna be really  bad,

Twesme Smith IV is a Sesame seed Sorter at Burger Crunch in Peoria Illinoise………..He writes….I know you got a question from a sesame seed sorter about three weeks ago…..and I want to see if i could hire him as my helper ….. Could you tell me his cell number?


From Infomative Hughy




Yes I could……….

because I have it right hear.

In front of me…

All I have to do is type it out…..


However, I recall my first grade

speling teeacher (and two librarians)

tellin us that ,

“”if we find something ourselves,

we will remember it longer.””


So I am going to reccccommmend

that you dial at RANDOM until you

hit it.


My calculations inculcate that your odds are at least

ONE in 27,547,324,292,476,825….


So get busy.


Sedgewick R. Wimberly is a hairball remover from Cathead Flats Louisiana…… He isveryf rustrate dwith h iswor kandreal ly needsso meguidance innmatters of employ mint opportunity…… But scents we have know opening here at the Swervice…..I dont guess we can help with thatw ecertainlyd ont need a poofreader. Everything looks good tomb ee……. But he also wants to know How scientists assess the curve of the earth as it relates to the spinning of the moon and the overall trajectory of the universe through space….When it comes to figgerin out how to launch a rocket tothem oon….

From Space cadet Hughbert



the very complexity of the

question inculcates that the

very ideer of launching a rocket

to them oon…and actually

expecting to hit it……

is as crazy as it sounds..


I dont believe it for a second.

(Or, for any other time increment.)


It dont even matter how long a

feller goes to school for such stuff…

There aint no way ,

with allthat spininn goin on, 

that a feller could hit a target flying throug

h space at the speed of



or even faster.


So just forget that whole ideer.


In a shocking turn of events here at H.A.S……Aunt Bertha heard a knock at the front door and their was a Cow….Yes, a BOVINE COW…….With a question neatly folded in an envelope made of dried grass clippings. The question stated simply, Dear Hugh, What differnce does it make if a vegetairmian eats beef…? All We cows eat is grass and corn….So how can we be bad for you? We ARE WHAT WE EAT. Which basically means we are a big MOBILE chunk of vegetation. MOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!


From Cow boy Hughbert


Well……First of all

I don’t accept questions

from potential hamburgers.


Second of all, DO NOT “MOOOOO”

in a posting.


Moooooing is against the law

in seven states.

One of the states is the

State of

Confusion ……

Which is where some of us

here at H.A.S.

spend most of our time.


Now look…….Im not sure whats wrong

with your reasoning on this.

But something’s rong with it….

And, as soon as I figger out what it is…

I wont   let you know….

But I may tell someone else.


So there.


Phillip Deardenne is a toupee’ designer from Hairball, Tennessee……………He writes today….Simply this……..Hughy, I am needing to find something to get my heart rate up……What would you reccccommmmend?

from exerciser hughy…..


You’ve come to the write place

for this info ole pal.


I have just developed a brand new

exercise regimen called

“Push Downs and More”


We have all heard about

Push ups

and Pull Ups


Sit ups…..


And yet……

There remains one technique

that is largely

over looked and not

noticed or seen.


It’s called ….PUSH DOWNS……


You simply get up thirty minutes

early and push down on all kinds

of stuff.

You can push down on things that

probably weigh up to 400,000

pounds or more.


I even had a friend that pushed down on a



Let gravity work with you….


Justin Pimmberly is a Cat Counselor in Beverly Hills…….(specializes in high stress felines, with an emphasis in Siamese)……..He writes simply, dearest Hughbert, I inadvertently and without meening two, sent a group text to the entire known world..(and to twelve other peeps outside of the known world)…..Now I am receiving 997, 412 responses per second….and my phone sounds like an advertisement for a Superfast alarm company ………………….What should I do?


From Hughbert..


What should you do about



Do you mean about the texts…



Be speciflic.


For the sake of this discussion

I will assume that you are asking

what to do about the hundreds

of thousands of texts.


We care very much about this

oddball inadvertently initiated

texting dilemma

Which is exactly why

I am addressing it



One thing I want my readers

to know is that I am always

Thinking of weighs to help you work

through the various techninal and



that can be encountered in a



It is something we can do hear

at the Swervice to make your world easier.

Getting that many texts per second





has got to be aggravating.



You’re welcome.

Its what I do.


Frankie Sheddmune is a polare bare hibernation expurt from South Florida…………..He makes the mistake of asking the following question……… Dear Hughy, When you are walking down a desserted street or back alley way,….Do you ever get that eerie scents that you might be following somebody?……


From Fearful Hughy







For two reasons….


Because I stole the joke from

somebody else but cant

remember whom…..




I have a serious problem with this

irrational fear.


It is always supposedly

and conceivalbelly

possible that I am inadvertently

pursuing the trail of another human being

without even knowing that I



doing it.





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