Archive for July, 2015

Wilbur Oslo from Burfords Creek Idaho writes today…….Dear Hugh…………… Im seriously considering buying stock in some Intranational Styrofoam Farms. What do you see as the future prospects for growing Styrofoam and it’s overall profitability?

From Lightweight Hughy..

.

Well…………

I think that the farming industry

is going to

grow.

.

There’s plenty of dirt out there.

BUT::: Last year there was a shortage of styrofoam seeds.

But this year there are plenty…..

the biggest challenge is to get em planted

without the little things getting blown off the fields

and into the road.

The little rascals are so light,…..

that they dont stay put long enough to

throw the dirt in over em.

.

But, once they get planted …they’ll do fine…

Another problem is that the styrofoam fields

are often confused with

cotton fields.

In such cases, the mature styrofoam is harvested

and turned into T SHIRTS and UNDERWEAR

before anyone know what has transpired.

.

Then they are sold to people

who end up

feeling like

they are wearing

COFFEE CUPS.

.

I say move carefully on these investments…

And watch closely the clothes you purchase .

Earline Sabblewon ,who specializes in Taxidermy of Cross-Eyed Marsupials, stops what shes doing long enough to pen this handwritten note from her office in the Windy City of Chicargo Illinois,……..Dearest Hughy, What is the proper weigh to label a package for appropriate and adequate handling in transit with the assigned carrier…? ..

 

.From Transit Genius Hughbert

.

Welllllllllllll Harriet…….

I’ll make you a package deal and

answer  this whole querstion write hear.

.

There are three appropriate labelling wordages….

For use under THREE

VERY DISTINCT AND SEPARATE

AND DIFFERNT CIRCUMSTANCES……

.

One is

“THIS SIDE UP”

and in such a case,….

Make sure you write it all over the package.…

I mean aaaallllllllll over it…………….

BECAUSE,….. you don’t want em to miss seeing it by it only being written on one side. If you do it only on one side, and that’s not the side they happen to be looking at, HOW ON EARTH WILL THAT DO ANY GOOD….. ?

.

Two……….. Is

“HANDLE WITH CARE”

BUT JUST WRITE THAT ON ONE SIDE…..

ONE SIDE.

It is crucial to keep packages looking neat and

ERUDITE.

.

THREE, AND THIS IS CRUCIALALSO…….

“HANDLE WITHOUT CARE”

This message should be written all over the box.

I mean ALLLLLLLLLLLL over the box.

.

WHY? YOU ASK………

BECAUSE you want to make sure that the poor fellers and gals that handle that stuff don’t waste energy handling it WITH care..when there simply ain’t any need for it. THAT’S WHY.

Look, do you want to be handling something

and CARING ABOUT BREAKING IT…

WHEN THERE IS

AN ANVIL IN THE BOX….?

I Think KNOT.

Let’s GET REAL OUT THERE…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be considerate of the Postal Service……….

Ann Delvernne from behind a kids pajama rack at WalMart …stops shopping for footie jammers long enough to type this riveting inquiry to H.A.S……….. Dear Hughbert, Do you believe in Aliens? …from other Plant Its? .

From Terrestrial Hughbert

.

Well Debbie,…………..

This is a source of much consternation

and delvectitude.

Also folks tend to disagree about it,

largely due to the fact that they don’t

hold the same convictions

regarding the topic.

.

I, however, do agree with myself on this and

will straighten it out once and for most.

.

I used to believe in Aliens……….

Until a group of em ran off with my banjo

and two jars of pickled blueberries.

While I sat there weeping they were giggling and

bouncing around on the weigh back to the mothership

WITH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY STUFF…..!

.

I cried out…. “take me to your Leader…..

Take me to your leader”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT JUSTICE!!!!!

But their trial lawyers intervened and said I would

have to file an official lawsuit on

the planet “Squiddle Seven”.

And my GPS is no help on how to find it.

.

After an event like this its

HARD TO BELIEVE IN ANYBODY.

To be treated in such a way……

I just cant put any faith in the little rascals.

But they are in for a shock…..

.

That banjo is out of tune.

And I aint tellin em how to fix it.

Randy Uddleshib from Greenich Ireland steps off a glacier and quickly types….. dear Hughy,…….. I wake up at night saying…..Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uhhhhhh Uhhhhh and striking the joints that are halfway down my legs with an open palm. I’ve been to sevra doctors and they cant hep me…..but I knew you would know what is going on….. Peas help me. I need a diagnosis and an cceptable and effective treatment.

From Ole Helper boy hughy

.

Howdy Randy ole boy…….

But I must say, if “peas help you”,

why are you asking me…?

Perhaps you meant PLLLLLEASE hep me….?

Watch it out there.

.

Now Randy, what you are experiencing hear is nothing knew.

It is very very common, especially

among people whom have the problem.

.

This is clearly a case  of what is called

Sleep Slap Knee Uhhhhhhh

.

Now look, you people that read this silly blogggggggg are asking for it.

Dont be rolling your eyes at me out there in the blogosphere.

I accept know responsibility whatsoever for the content I put on  hear..

The only know treatment for this malady is to

cram a sock in your mouth

and glue your hands together….

Which , in its self. creates marginal

and ancillary

discomfort for some users.

.

I am doing further research utilizing

crash dummies, and have had no

problems whatsoever so far.

Therefore, what Im doin

must be working.

Today is a very special day here at H.A.S. It is the day on which we give our annual State of the Confusion Speech. Much like the President of the United States who gives an annual State of the Union Address. It is crucial that the American people understand what is going on……and Conversely and Adjacently , it is crucial that the readers of H.A.S. posts stay up on the latest State of the Confusion here at Hugh’s Answering Service.

From Speechgiver Hughbert’
.

My Fellow HASmericans……….Scattered across the Hughnited States….

.

Here YE…. Here Ye….!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Forsooth……and Forthwith.

(I have know idea what that means, but , since Im givin a speech, I figgered I’d throw it in.)

The State of the Confusion around hear is not bad at all…… Largely due to my stabilizing influence. But lets knot make a big deal about that. This is not something I want to make an issue of..

ONE THING THAT WE ARE GOING TO DO AROUND HERE IS APPOINT A COMMISSION TO MAKE SURE NOBODY ENDS A SENTENCE ON A PREPOSITION. This is something you all need to be aware of.`

Just as soon as I finish this speech and fly to Jamaica for a two week vacation, I’m gonna do something about that problem that something needs to be done about.

.

Now some of you have been concerned about rational security. Do not worry. There’s so little around here, that is rational,……that even in the event of a Watergate style breakin,……No one will be able to locate it.

.

Regarding the state of the ecomony, don’t worry about it. Nothing I would say wood make any scents. Just keep in mind that if we run out of money, we’ll just print more on our HAS money printing machine which is backed by the Full Faith and Credit of the Hughnited States Meant.

.

Otherwise things are weigh two complicated to try to put it in this post……. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY two complex…. Only one person really understands some of that stuff. AUNT BERTHA. And shes at a POGO Stick Convention In Buzzard Crunch Ohio.

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“Big Earl” Chuddle who is the chief Strainer Operator at the Hapreth Bluff Goat Milking Station in Hapreth Bluff kentucky writes….. Dear Hugh, ….I keep seeing places in town called “Self Storage Facilities”. Is this where people go to hibernate?….. I was unaware that humans could do that…… Why would someone want to put themselves in storage? and what are the implications. I don’t have enough vacation days built up to stay in storage for long anyhow.

From Non Stored Hughy.

.

Howdy Big….!!!!!!

….

You are misunderstanding the overall imptication

of the meaning of this here terminology.

Self-Storage.

.

Edna Snivvler tried that back in ’96……And actually stayed stored for several months while her trial for counterfeiting was carried on in abstentia. In fact she was not discovered to be in storage until her niece broke into the unit  in ’98 to borrow a set of hedge clippers for her begonias.

.

At that point Edna was removed

from storage and sent to Alcatraz……..

but I digress….

.

There’s also the case of  Big Bubba Baddlern who mailed

himself to a warehouse in Boston…

in a well wrapped box marked “Handle With Care”….

He was in storage for a few days….

but was eventually returned

for insufficient postage.

.

Self Storage is a bad choice of words

for those places where folks put stuff.

They should be called.

Places to Put Stuff that You Know

Good and Well you

Ain’t ever Gonna Need Anyhow.

Stinky Mellman from Twizzle Texas takes time to talk about a timely topic …………dear Hugh, how can I tell when paint is dry?

From Ole Painter Boy Hughy

.

Well Stinky,

You would do it the same way you would

tell anything to anybody.

If you can talk, simply holler out across

the room…..with a statement similar to this…

“THIS PAINT IS DRY.” !!!!!

.

I frankly don’t know why you are taking up valuable

bandwidth and our precious time with such absurdities.

But, since we are taking about it…..

You can also indicate to someone

that paint is dry by

sending them an email….

with the same message….

“This paint is DRY”…

and you could add ..

“Now you can touch it”..

.

You could even put a message in a bottle and …………….

throw it in the river.

/

Some of you folks out there in

BLOGIO Land…..worry me…..

How ya’ll come up with such questions

is an ongoing source of concern.

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The swatter

 

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