Archive for March, 2014

P. H. Alkalynne from Guzzlers Bluff , Arizona…..Writes Dear Hugh: What are the proper conjugations of the word “TEXT”? Past tents…present tents….pluperfect tense…..and nominative case reverse objective adverbish adjunct tense?

From Hugh

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Forthughnately me and my staff of thousands are up on this stuff.

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I text you…….He text me. …She text them…..We text her……They text him….they will have text those…..Those texted them….We all will have texted some of you uns……..We should have texted…..

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They will have texted way too much

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and their bill will be out of sight………

Annnnnnd, they will text to check if their texting plan can be adjusted by texting or if they have to call and goooooooo through a nightmare on the phone to get it changed.

Clyde Swiller from Pinch Tennessessee writes Dear Hugh: Whom was Mona Lisa?…..and Whym did Leonardo whatsizhead take the time to paint her Pitcher…?

From Hugh

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Howdy Clyde…………Most peoples are unaware of any details about the elusive and enigmatic , but gregarious ,…Mona Lisa. Born in a Tuba factory in 1464…. Her real name was Gertrude Lapsquish. Gertrude changed her name due to being put in a witness protection program after ratting out two guys that were painting portraits of people using extracts from endangered species of water lilies. I know it sounds odd. But you asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Mr Leonardo……….read about her plight in the local newspaper and decided to paint her pitcher so he would become famous for it. He actually used the illegal paint…..Which is shocking in and of  its self……..The look on her face was caused by a gallbladder infection…many people have wondered…NOW you know.

There is so much more history out there now….than there wonce was…….Feel free to ask me at any time about this stuff……History is another of my many areas of interest….and thorough research.

Ethel Wadsworth from a Perfume Counter at Bloonimglades Department store writes Dear Hugh: Is perfume even worth a scent?……Heeee. Do you think that’s humorous?…….. Uh……….Mr Hughy…You’re not mad are you?…..Please don’t put me on probation for this.

From Hughy

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Ethel my dear…..Ethel Ethel Ethel…………Please tell me you won’t try this stuff anymore. Ask yourself this…..WOOD HUGH tell such an absurd joke? That is not a good sign of your mental health Ethel.

Would you like to schedule a CRANIUM Exam. ……..? Shocking. This whole post is shocking!!!!!

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For me to have to deal with this kind of stuff….AFTER AWL I’ve DUN for you to set a good example………..Stunning.

Shadsworth Nottingem from Yak Ontario writes Dear Hugh: When all is said and done…….is more ever DONE than SAID….?….And I’d like to follow up if I may…..You never let people follow up.. why no follow up? What have you got against up following?

From Hugh

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Well Shads……..As you well no, Most of the time when all is said and done……………………………….Well, YOU KNOW.

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There are exceptions..,,One example is the startling case of Gerald Pinnqlue’ from Dinky Squish France. ……………..Gerald didn’t say SQUAT…But went around the neighborhood mowing everybody’s yard (on May 30th of 1897) .People were shocked. Mostly, that he never said anything…

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It is indeed an odd situation. But you came to the right place with this one my friend.

Henry Statley III from Tunblay Germany writes: dear Hugh…..What is the Vernal Equine Ox….and do think it’s real?

From Hugh

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Hi Fred:   Well , as best I can tell,…..the Vernal Equine Ox is about as elusive as the Sasqwatch or the Abominamibdable Snowman. But YES!…I believe in them.

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According  to my reseerch, the last credible sighting of the V. Equine Ox was by Randy Scumslinger in August of 1944 near Peoria Illinois. He claims to have noticed the varmit gnawing on a tender bamboo shoot while trying to cross interstate 69. (The bamboo shoot wasnt trying to cross…It was the Equine Ox.)

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Some have noticed the apparent conflict between the term EQUINE and the normally Bovine-type OX……..But I’m not just horsing around here. And I’m no COWard………..We deal in facts.

 

Suller Pouterman from West Virginia’s Eastern Plains writes Dear Hugh: Our local weather usually gives a “mosquito activity” forecast…but their system is down. Could you tell me what to look for tomorrow in this regard?

From Hughy

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Well……Suller……Yes I can . It just sew happens that I am fairly knowledgeable on arachnid behavior patterns in and along the area of which you speek.

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Not Tomorrow, but in the near future the Mosquitoes in that partricular area will be generally depressed due to a high pppppppppppppppppppressure (oops..Ive gotta get that key fixed) weather system,….Therefore they will be trying to bite people whom are happy…..Especially those whom wear smiley face buttons.

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Thusly,, those whom frown will be faaaaaar less likely to git bited. But remember, Skeeters aint out in force in this area yet,….although they are already forming attack sqwuads and preparing for when the whether warms up jist a litle bitt.

You’re welcome.

Edna Erma Egglestump from Erleswig Newfoundland writes Dear Hugh: What breed of dog is owned by the most educated, suavest, intuitive, insightful, keen, sweet, nice, sophisticated, beautiful, sheek, erudite, ebullient, gregarious and concise people on our terrestrial orb…….? I know you will be objective in your asesssssmenterization.

from Hughy:

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Well Edna……The research on this topic by my staff…..is somewhat inconclhughsive. We , after objectively perusing the evidenciary evidence, first were completely convinced that the answer was the lowly and erstwhile Bassett Hound……..But further evidence emerged,.calling  that conclusion into serious question,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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My wife pointed out that she has Three dachshunds….. I, after further contemplation of the acthugharial tables and scientific conundrumization, then recognized a flaw in the original conclusion and am now certain that the answer to your question is…………..

DACHSHUNDS…………

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It is clear that those whom own dogs for their looks…………….Own dachshunds.  Make no mistake about it.

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