Archive for May, 2013

Crummly T. Fhedderwhine who is a bubblegum factory owner in Sipsy Alabama ….pops a huge orb of inflated gum and simply types…..dear Hughbert, …I understand that you are excellent at training canines and other dogs to not do tricks. Cant you tell us about some of the tricks you have trained your scruffy mutts not to do?


From Feline expert Hughy


Howdy Sam………


Yes ….I can tell you about some of em…..

Would you like for me to do sew?


Ok, I will………….


One of the tricks I trained my dogs

to not do ….

is to fetch the paper..

The reason I did this was to keep

from having to read the paper,…

Cause I dont have time to read it (except ONLINE),

and they keep piling up on the front steps

if I dont train the dog not to get em.


They way I did this was to whack em over the head

with a rolled up Swiffer Lint Cloth

any time they brought me a paper.

Instead of fetching the paper,

I have trained them to fetch loose change

and dollars bills from parking lots and

under bleachers at football stadiums.


I also trained my mutts not to ROLL OVER.

There is nothing worse than four dachshunds

ROLLING through the house for no reason.


Yes………….I put the same picture in here twice…..

The reason I did it is simply because I could.

And nobody could stop me in time to avoid it..


In a startling turn of events here at Hugh’s Answering Service…Aunt Bertha has finally gotten around to working on our Microwave in the brake room. Unfortunately, when you put it on any setting…It freezes your food item through and through from the inside out. Apparently she has installed the main Stradsponder BACKERDS. I told her to watch that. BUT OH NO. (((Anyhow, at least the unit comes on)))). But the question for the day is from Amy Sench in Peoria Illinois….Dear Hugh, What is the most healthy breakfast cereal?

From Hughy


Howdy Amy….

As we all no, Breakfast is one of the

first meals of the day…

And should be eaten near the start.


As such, you should do it right away after arising

from your slumber.

And do not forget to chew. (this is crucial)


The most healthy cereal is not real popular

because it tastse like


Largely due to the simple fact that it

IS made of yard clippings


And it is called….

“Rake and Chew”.


I suggested they change the name of this stuff…..


It is loaded with fiber.

LOADED with fiber…


Try some today…..

But watch for small rocks.



The Hugh's Answering Service Main  Headquarters in Frog Squat Alabama

The Hugh’s Answering Service Main Headquarters in Frog Squat Alabama

Little “Bongo” Snodgrass (a four year old fromme Ulm Germany) writes ….Dear Mr. Hughy, In this day and time, it’s hard for me to know what day or time it is, because I can’t read yet. And both clocks I have are sundials that I keep under my bed. So you see my dilemma and you can imagine my scents of consternation. What should I do?


From Timely Hughy



Your situation is grimme,….no dowt……

Eye think the best thing you can do is call the Meteroillogical TimeWatching Center in Grenich Icelandwhere they keep up with the time REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL CLOSE …


They claim they base it on the interplantenary

interpolation of the dibtwinian orbit

of the Sol R System.


At least thats what they claim…..

Frankly, I think they call my Aunt Edna on Tuesdays….

And just hope shes close to right on what time it is….

Shes got a sun dial like mine.

But she keeps hers outside.

And she has a cheap watch from the

discount store as a backup.


I would say call me if you need to

know the time reel badd…

But I don’t have a clue because my watch

doesnt have a battery in it…

It was damaged when I bought it.


Have a grate day….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vernon C. Crabbtree is a fishing rod polisher for Bass Pro Slops…..(Bass Pro Slops is an eatery that speciallizes in raw fish jerked directly from the slimy muck of the Mississippi River backwaters near factory toxin discharge pipes)………..Sadly, business is down. But be that as it may……….. He writes simply…..WHY is our business down….?


From Fishy Hughy


Howdy Fred.

Your business is down becuase

people dont like raw fish.

One of the major purposes for

FIRE….. is to lessen and mitigate the

chances of eating RAW FISH.


My understanding is that BEARS even

cook the fish they eat..


when they are on camera pretending

to be “going natural”.


Other than that basic issue….

I cant sea any reeson why your

business would be down…

The basic toxicity of the

swimmy varmits is of little concern….


They are cooked.


And dont forget to TUNE A FISH….. if they dont sound right.

By using the proper scales.


Karrie Wonderwood from behind a 4 string banjo in a utility building in Upper Manhattan,…..writes Dear Hugh…..yesterdaze post that was supposed to have revealed what YOGURT is made of…WAS A CROCK. I have never in my life scene such follishness masquerading as humorous absurdity. Would you please try to FOCUS…and simply tell us what YOGURT is of Made…? ( I couldnt end on the word “of”…..Ive seen how you ostracize those whom do such.)


From Food Fight Hughy



Hears the deel…….


The reason I didnt actually tell about yogurts

complonents is very simple…



Iffern I tell you,…

You may never consume that stuff again….


But if you insist….

A YOGURT is a small furry vegetable that grows

only in Radioactive Isotope dump areas….

The reason you lose wait when you eat lots of that

stuff is because you are allergic to

Isotopish Yogurtian radiation.


If you aint allergic to it, for wattever reason….

You will simply absorb the YOG….and get fatter

I was very hesitant to address this….

as it will probably bust a lots of folkses bubble

….regarding Yogurt is



But you forced me into revealing the troof.




Zorro Jones from a bat cave in Grinders Switch Tennessee writes……Dear Hughy,….What is Yogurt made of? ………(or if you are going to jump on me about ending a sentence with a prepostion, I’ll reword it this weigh, “Of what is yogurt made?”


From Food guru Hughbert


Howdy Zobbo……..


The issue with the ongoing nead for

claricfication of the compository aspects

of yogurt is one that should knot be

taken lightly.


But it often is….

And we all know it.


So much so that yogurt is often reffered

to as “LIGHT”….

Even in the labelling…..


But the question remains…



And that is the importnce of today’s post.

To finally, and ONCE AND FOR MOST…








You’ll remember it longer if you

drive 26 miles and

ask to ramble through 400 books.




Albert Geeshe is wondering how to CAPITALIZE on a printing business that only uses Lower case letters…………….(But his question is so stinkin corny that, even with the low standards here at H.A.S,… we weren’t willing to address it. So I will merely ramble at random and in an incoherent manner.


Hello from Hughy to the

hundreds of millions of you dont

come here daily for a dose of in



If you are not reading this ,

Im directing it straight at you.


For those who never read the

H.A.S. ventures into knowledge

and phonicular implementation,

I say simply,



I am specifically reccccommmmending this service to

NATIONAL POLITICIANS….who should be so used to

rambling, incoherent verbalizations, that they will feel

right at homb.


Look …if “comb”…ends with a “B”….

Then “HOMB” can end with a “B”…..



Why not send a link to H>A>S…

to every Congressman and Senator and

EMPLOYEE at the White House

and the IRS,…….???????????


The utter ABSURDITY here….

might mesh with the absurdity there, ….

and create a supernova of

unmitigated and inexplicable lunacy……


It wont fix anything……

but at least they can be humoristically

distracted between

Congressional votes

and various meetings.


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