Archive for February, 2012

The National Oceananic and Atmospheric Bunch writes in dear Hugh: What is leap year? What does it mean? Why is it necessary? When did it Start? When will it end? Whom originated it? Will the day still be 24 hours? What if they miscalchughlated and we are really on the wrong day and its not even February anymore? What are the implicationarisms of all this stuff?..and when are you going to call your Aunt Bertha that you have been putting off checkin on for twelve years?

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From Hugh

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Well Ocea…………I don’t know where to start. ……………..Oh yes I do. I’ll start by banning the whole federal government beauricracy from H.A.S. for twelve years.

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Now ………Leap year was started by a guy named Fred in Scottsdale Tennessee back in 1637. There is no reason for it..He just wanted to stir up a stink and get calendars reworked. Actually because of this absurd “Leap Year Caper”…it is really January the 4th but nobody knows it ‘cept me and two crossed-eyed mimes from Billings Montana………………and they won’t tell nobobdy ’bout it. It’s all up to me.

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Now look……Aunt Bertha can wait…….She is still on that cross country pogo stick trip to Zambeeezia. Shes bounced half way around the world on that silly thing.



Quinvy Tercel from a tiny office high above the New York Shock Exchange writes dear Hughy: I am thinking about buying a new computer to do my shock trading in REEL TIME….I had heard you mention that you had an app for MAC that would actually email dinner leftovers to your aunt Bessie in Peoria…..Did you really email part of a zucchini casserole? …and what types of Processors are you recccccommmmending for those on the cutting edge of digitizationalism?

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From Hugh:

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Yes I did email the zucchini Quinvy………(In fact, I emailed the whole thing cause I didnt like it). You will have to clean your screen a couple of times after the transfer…..It’s still in BETA and there are a few bugs to be worked out…

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The program is called…HughSendIT………….It’s for Large casseroles and soup dishes…and pot roasts …..Smaller stuff like a few french fries can be sent through regular Gmail etc…….

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The processor I am reccccommmending is the Pentium III with 256 RAM and a flip switch on the side……..Adjust your main ublasponder and tweak the gibbitzal meteral dibtwine.

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Your welcome.





Melvin Luntz who is ashamed of where he’s from….writes….Dear Hugh: What is the bestest way to add “ZING” to a sandwich?

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From Hugh

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There are many ways to do this Melvin. One is to soak it in apple cider vinegar.

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TWO: Try adding FOUR HEAPING TABLESPOONS of horseradish sauce. This will be followed by a trip to the garden hose…or perhaps your local emergency room….IFFFFFFFFFFFF you survive to get there..they may POSSIBLY be able to help, though I doubt it.

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Three….sprinkle …..tramsmission fluid from an old Volkswagon Beetle…..all over the lettuce.

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But FOUR is the best….To add that zest and excitement and sparkle to any sammich……Place two watch batteries end to end with a small wire from Positive to Negative poles….then put them where the pickles would normally go…Put mayonnaise all over em….Bite down hard. You have to experience this to really appreciate it……Send pictures.  




The honorable Jed Clampette , Circuit Judge of Bugtussle Tennessee…writes in today….Dear Hugh,…Would you like to have your criminalismic and recidivistical records expunged?

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From Hugh.

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Howdy Jed…………….No thanks……………I have found that expunging recorded material causses it not to sound as good next time you play the record…..But thanks for wanting to clean em up for me.

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I have several records recorded by folks that did get in trouble with the law……..But I reckon Merle and some of them other boys got straightened out a little as they got older……..

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I have expunged some things over the years…..but it always leaves smudges and you’ll have to go back over it with window cleaner or some such thing.

Worthington Pimberly the IV…..from Collinwould Tennessee writes in today with a question that is sure to generate a grate deal of apathy….Dear Hugh: Why do people wear boots? Even some female type humanoids wear them….WHY HUGHY…WHY?????????

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From Hugh

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Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll……………..It’s very simple..

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SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO WEAR MATCHING SOCKS.

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Now…………..why matching socks have ever been an issue…is beyond me.  We don’t have to have on pants and shirts that are the SAME.

I realize that is up and down…..and socks are side to side……but what differnce does that make in the clothing rulebook….????? Who comes up with these rules….? If someone yearns to wear one red sock and one striped orange sock……I SAY DO IT and you dont have to wear boots over em.

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Note,…….The sock issue is serious business to some folks….A lady in Peoria actually tarred-and-feathered her neighbor for violating sock rules back in the fall of 1869. It was decided that the woman looked so much better with the tar and feathers,……….that they didnt clean her up for two weeks……finally, however, they chickened out………and got her back to normal.



Alexander Solsheneatsun from Vlidkgkysxzywgbxzy Russia writes in today…..Dear Hugh: I am considering buying a MING VASE from the collection of EMPOROR YING SHING SMITH of the Fillginian period B.C. 1256. I need it authenticated because they are asking 27 million dollars (and 43 cents)….can you authenticate it for me.?

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From Hughy

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Howdy………..No I cant authenticate it….we simply aren’t equipped for that process…BUTTTTTTTTTTT, we can check it to see if its the real thing…..

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So….Just stick it in an old shoebox….NO NEED For extra packing and tracking numbers, insurance and stuff, we ain’t had no problems over this way……

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Just address it to Hugh’s Answering Service,….That’s all you’ll knead to putt on it. Every postman in the country reads H.A.S. They’ll know where Im at. We will then show it to my cousin EDNA who reads up on this stuff with vases and all before she goes yard saleing on Saturdays…..

Gimme a holler in about two months.



Little one year old Winly Sledmire from Squish Oregon writes Dear Hugh: I’m so tired of diapers. Containing various substances so close to my self for (sometimes) relatively extended periods of time is becoming an issue with me. What do you suggest?

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From Hugh.

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Well Winly, as I have mentioned before , I personally gave up the diaper concept at two weeks old. Recognizing its inherent pitfalls, I simply made other arrangements. I took an online course on SUPER EARLY POTTY TRAINING.

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Learning to use a credit card to order the course before I was able to read was the hardest part of the deal…(because I could’t talk either, which presented problems with using the Master card help line)….It’s also very difficult to establish a credit line at that age…..But that’s beside the point because YOU ARE MUCH OLDER.

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Now Get with it Winly. Just say NO to sitting in residue. Now look……………TAKE A STAND you little munchkin…!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive potty trained DACHSHUNDS faster than you are catching on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT”S THE DEAL WITH YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS in today’s generation.????????????????????

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I continue to receive this basic question from little crumbslingers from all over the world……MAYBE THIS WILL FINALLY SETTLE THE ISSUE…..ONCE AND FOR MOST. Im just glad I’m hear two hep.





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