Archive for January, 2015

Claudette Benard from behind a stack of overdue liberry books writes…..Dear Hugh…..I’m hiding behind a stack of overdue liberry books. Shuddering with remorse. Cringeing with fear. Hesitant with trepidation….(but still re-reading the forward to “War and Peace”)…..the question I have for you is this……..Since the books are only 4 hours overdue,…Why am I so riddled with fearish emotions….?

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Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll……………………..I’m not really sure.,,,,,,,,,,,but then again……………..

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It could be that , in your childhood you were SHUSSHED by an overzealous liberrian at the school wheres you attended. SOME of these “BOOK PATROLMEN/Women” have even been known to WHACK an unsuspecting and helpless youth with a ruler. YES>!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the hughmanity of it all….!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I personally dared to speak a word at low low volume in the friction section of the SaniFlush A&M Main Liberry…..and was summarily sentenced to polish the left arm of the Albert Eisentein Statue in the lobby. (The rest of the statue was stolen two months earlier).

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The risks of entering a liberry are quite high….and the volume of speaking is quite low…….So be careful in there. Many liberrians are now moving about incog neato……and can SHUSH WITHOUT WARNING. Be very careful now that they are operating on the sly.

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But, Learning is important. And liberries were once very useful…..This was especially true before Hugh’s Answering Service came along. Now, of course, with millions of quick emailed questions to the Service,…………….The average liberry is unnecccccessssary and,,,…….. thusly, ……….COMPLETELY OBSOLETE.




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Patty Flack from Sitaspelle Tennessee writes in today……Dearest Mr Banks: I have a frog in my office asking for me to lend him 1500$ in cash. I asked him if he had any collateral …..He showed me some crazy little odd-looking item in his hand/foot…………….But I don’t know what it is or what it’s worth…..I am sending you a picture. Give it a look and let me know what to do. Will you?

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Yes…..I will…………..Yes I did…………I looked . I assessed. I am replying…..IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT YOU BARELY DID GET A QUESTION IN BEFORE YOU SIGNED OFF…………………….

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Now…………….Frog’s have long been known to apply for loans with basically nothing to protect you if they croak. ….or simply default.

Such is not the case hear. This Frog is clearly prepared to deal.

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So go ahead and jump into the equation. I have assessed the value of this item……It is valued by Standard and Poors at the nominal sum of 2750 SMACKERS. …Due to the Fact that it is a knick knack that was owned by the Queen of England during the rain of Czar Isabell III in 1623..

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The simple diagnosis is this………It’s a Knick Knack Patty Flack,……Give the Frog a Loan.

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Yes,,,,,,,,,,,You are correct…..I have heard that basic joke somewhere……If I knew where I first heard it …I would give credit …..But It is not original with me……..IT”S A GOOD UN ….And I had to tell it……!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wendy Wanda Wellington fromme Upsulch Germany rights dear Hugh……Whether I get up at 2 A.M. or 9 A.M…there are ants crawing around in the sink. SOoooooo my question to you is very simple….DO ANTS EVER SLEEP?

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From Hugh

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Oh paleeeeeeeese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I get this question one mower time I think I am going to scream.

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Listen Wendy……..I know where you are coming from……I have an aunt that , for whatever reason, gets in the sink and crawls around in the middle of the night.  I have seen her do the same thing (as you mentioned) at 9:00 in the morning. I don’t think she ever sleeps. HOWEVER, Due to the fact that she lives 10 months out of the year in the Netherlands,…. I AM NOT CERTAIN OF IT……I repeat, I am NOT ABSOLUTELY sure. Soooooooooooooo do not use this as a definitve response that will end up in textbooks or on Wikipedia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The real question is why you and I both have family members that are up crawling around in the kitchen sink at ALL OURS of the KNIGHT.

What on earth is transpiring in their minds????????????????????? I am used to some perty unusual things, but THAT even seems odd TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Let’s see if we can get them some hep.

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I’ve got a SINKIN feeling that it’s a hopeless cases.




Wendy Braggern from Upstart Ridge Tennesseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee writes in today…….I was watching the news and saw some information from UN NAMED sources….That seemed odd. How many people are there…. out there….Who don’t have names?…..And why do they seem to know so much….?

From Hugh

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Well Windy…………As it turns out , there re a good number of folks whom simply never get NAMED. I suppose that their parents simply forget to do it.

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I’m not sure how that happens. When my children were born,…..I kinda figgered that NAMING em was sumpthin I aught to get around to doin fairly quick. But I reckon some folks just don’t prioritizerize it. Then, once a feller is in the habit of not havin a name,….by the time you’re twenty five or so,……I’m guessin you just get used to it and move on with your life.

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It does seem odd that so many un named people seem to know secret information. It seems dissapreportionate. > (and ODD …like I already said at an earlier time before now.).

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Let this be a lesson to u Windy……NAME YOUR CHILDREN……………NOW…………before it’s two layte. May I suggest “Hugh” or “Hughbert” for a boy or “Hughrietta” or Hughina for a girl…..?.

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Yes I may. I just did.

Sedric Woods from Silicone Valley California writes Dear Hugh: I have developed a new microchip that will let my new laptop design be so small that no one can read it. It will be so handy. You can carry it in your wallet. The screen is 1 inch by 1.5 inches…..Colors are TERRIFIC!!!!!!!!!!!!……It sounds like a FULL SIZED PANASONIC 15″ Subwooffer on any audio application…..Would you like to buy one …at the nominal cost of 1500?

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Howdy from Hughy

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What’s happnin Sedric???????? Sounds like you are really on to something…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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My wife has a very small laptop with a 9″ inch screen…..and I can barely read it. …!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited to think about won with an EVEN SMALLER SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’s a DREAM COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Intense squinting is something that has been studied expensively by the exspurts and found to increase optimum optical health in maximum ways. It will also hep folks avoid headaches.

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The thing Im most intereseted in is the PRICE……………Investing 1500 smackers in somethng half as large as a credit card is gonna go over big. Even if it is small.

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Folks will also love the keyboard that has to be operated with the point of a needle. But WE GET THE POINT…………….SAVING SPACE!!!!


6 year old Stinky Mellman from the top bunk bed in his room writes……dear Hugh……My mommy is very very unhappy with you and is threatening yet again to GROUND ME from H.A.S. She says you are a bad influence and are damaging my psycheee…I told her you woodn’t hurt a flea!!!!!!!!…………..You wouldn’t hurt a flea …WOULD YOU? …

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From Mr.Hughy

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Hi Stinky////    Always listen to your mommy……….She nose what’s besst………..

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I am sorry to dissappoint you Stinkster…………..I WOULD HURT A FLEA. ……..In fact I just crushed the anterior lobe of one..ONLY MOMENTS ago.

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I simply reached out and mercilessly grabbed the little punk by the aerial tibula and then aimed for the dorsal septum……quickly smashing the thrazical zelium.

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There is the other aspect of this that concerns both young and old alike. I FEEL KNOW REMORSE. Face the facts Stinky ole buddy. I did it.

And you might as well get used to the fact that I HURT fleas…….I do it from an inner angst toward members of the phylum “arxtoblotbefeles”.

Certain bilological species have always irrataterized me…Especially when they penetrate my epidermal layers and sting me.

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So there. It’s a fact Stinky………….Now get back to alphabetizing your book case.



Sinclair Eddingsly from behind the moldy scaly walls of the remote Randingly castle in Gibletshire England writes…..dear Hugh….I am incarcerated here for a crime that I didnt commit…..plus I didnt do it. But since I’m stuck here I need to try to figure out some stuff…..I haven’t got a lot to work with and I need to know …Is there any way I can make a satellite antennae our of a dried zucchini???????

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From Hughy

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Howdy Sinclair………What a great question……..!!!!!!!!!!!! I sit here day after day …..and daze  on top of  daze I am inundated with silly quandaries and meaningless banter that doesn’t amount to squat.

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FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A decent question.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Unfortunately , this is one of the few areas of raidiological and Televisialistic stuff that I don’t know as much about as I do other stuff that you might have asked about if you had been interested in something else or some other aspect of vegetable TV reception.

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UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……………….Since you sent this question in…..I HAVE TRIED IT. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zucchini makes a wonderful satellite antennae…..BUT….All you can pick up is FARM News and the Home and Garden Channel……

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Simply adjust the stem for various technical difficulties…..




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