Archive for December, 2013

Lil Bibbslinger from Gizzard Crunch Kentucky rights Dear Hughy: I planted special-ordered microwave popcorn seeds from a company called “SPECIALORDERMICROWAVEPOPCORNSEEDSLLC”……….I planted the little boogers…and now I have little folded sacks popping up in rows. My question is twofold………Why no spaces in the company name…and WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE SACKS?

From Hugh:

.

Well Lil………..I hate to tell you this….But We don’t allow twofold questions about anything hear at H.A.S…….So I am forced to report this to Aunt Bertha and Cousin ELroy……You will be placed on probation , I am quite certain of that.

.

Now ,  I believe you’re feeding me a line of pure baloney. I dont think there is even a KERNEL of truth in this corny little diatribe you have sought to foist on my innocent readers (both of em). But just in case…..The reason there are no spaces in the company name is that the space program is being phased out. It’s that simple. NASA no longer subsidizerizes space or spaces.

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Now regarding the little rows of sacks…
.
WHATDIDYOUEXPECTORATEWHENYOU

PLANTEDMICROWAVEPOPCORN?

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Lillian Geesh from the Upper West Side of Manhattan writes: Howdy Hughbert…! Are you making any Hugh Year’s Revolutions?…and also, my husband snores when he’s awake…..Is this a source of concern?

From Hughy>

 

Lilian Lilian Lilian………..

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Lilian……………

……………Is he still doing that?

You wrote me about this in 1987…..

You ask me this back then. ……

and my answer is the same……..

.

NO!….I’m not concerned about it at all…

You live 1200 miles away and I cant

HEAR HIM.,,,,Sooooooooo I’m not

the least bit concerned about it.

.

Now….regarding Hugh Years

revolutions…………………..

One thing Im gonna do is stop

trying to put toothpaste

BACK IN THE TUBE if I squeeze

it too hard while loading a

toothbrush. It simply isn’t a

wise use of time. And it frustrates

me somethin awful.

The Tuesday night Bunko Club from Irkme Pennsylvania writes in today? Dear Honorable Mr. Hughy: Today is not Nhugh Years Eve, which means the year 2014 doesnt start tomorrow. We have cringed daily at the drivel you have put out this year. We scowl and frown as we read your posts. We often discuss the lunacy of your work. You have lost touch with reality, apparently living in your own little world. Will you do better next year Mr. Hughy…? Will you deal in facts..not friction? Will you set a better example for the untold masses that read this garbage and trust you with important issues kneading advice..? Will you seek help and appropriate medications…?..Will you just GET SERIOUS??????????????….Thanks so much, we all are very concerned about how much longer the gubmint will allow you to disseminate this lackluster content….

From Hugh

.

Let me think about it.

.

NO……………………..

.

Note: And YES.

I will come and speak for your

semi-bi-annual international

BUNKO Convention….

Just like I always do twice a year

…..As usual, I’ll do the

two hour lecture and the

Photo Shoot afterwards…….

(along with the three hour Q&A seesion…….followed by the riveting revelation of my new book

“FONICS and MEE”…………)

….

I’ll get there early sew we can chat……

And tell Big Bertha Knoblock to bring

extra of her Zucchini Casserole.

Elvira Winglett from Fliparat Tennessee writes…..dear Hugh: I am concerned that my cousin is going overboard for Christmas……Some people do that you know. I am very very concerned that he is definitely goin overboard.,,, The reason I think so is that he lives on a small houseboat and rides his new Christmas gift motorcycle around and around on the deck at high speeds. I think he’s goin overboard. What should I do…?

From Hughy……….

OBVIOUSLY,…this question came in late…..

BUT LOOK…..WHAT AM EYE TWO DO ABOUT IT?

CALM DOWN OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!

Well…the first thing you should do….is quit repeating yourself. Stop it. Cease it. End it.

.

Now……this is one of the most udderly ridiculous things I have ever scene or heard tell of ………

Your cousin is clearly a goofball and doesn’t mind going overboard. Hopefully his motorcycle is designed to ride underwater.

I get a sinking feeling as I talk about this issue. I am afraid that he is in for a letdown.

This habit of high speed motorcycle riding on watercraft is unwise at best…..and not good at worst.

.

Why can’t he just sit and knit, hum old folk tunes and fish like any other normal kid………?

Minnyhaha Warblerly from Jistaminute South Carolina writes Dear Hugh: I ate ONE POUND OF FUDGE over the Christmas break. BUT I HAVE GAINED SEVEN POUNDS. How on earth is that possible?

From Hugh

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Hello Minny……………….HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…You have fallen into the FMIYB TRAP (Fudge Multiplies in your Body) . This widely misunderstood phenomenon has widened many people without their consent.

.

Theodore Spreaderly (a noted fudge researcher in the 1700′s) theorized that this is caused by the fact that chocolate is COMPRESSED during manufacture….

and

Expands when it comes in

contact with the

gall bladder.

.

Others said he was a goofball and didnt know squat.

.

In either case, eating a pound of fudge ALWAYS causes a weight gain of either five pounds or more…..and the only way to offset this is to adjust your scales to compensate. So there………

IF you continue nibbling you can always continue to recalibrate the bathroom scales. Most scales can be adjusted to Plus or Minus 40 pounds.

.

Inky Smearman from Welle Indiana writes dear Hugh: What is the favorite gift that you received yesterday as a Christmas present yesterday on Christmas?

From Hugh

.

Howdy Inky…………..

You need to work on the

grammar skills that you

have regarding writing

and communication and

stuff such as that….

.

My favorite gift for Christmas

was a new Plaid dress Coat to

go with my Striped britches. …

and Polka dotted Shoes……

.

My second favorite gift is the

electric pickle jar opener with a

built in ceiling fan remote control

that is WI -Fi compatible and

Blue- Tooth accssessible….

and pre loaded with Microsoft XP

service Pack 2  with hyperthread

technowligerianigy.

wpid-IMG953319-1.jpg

Little Bunky Foodslinger from Trounce Kentucky writes Dear Hugh…..I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneeth the missile tow last night…..I dont think she saw me sneak down the stairs to take a peak. She (innacurately was convinced that at the time) i was tucked in my bedroom fast asleep. This leads me to a conundrum. Should eye mention this to my dada…? Or just let it go as if it never transpired…..? Or should I admit that I just made the whole thing up to get back at adults for pulling the wool over my eyes with this “Santa deal” for the last 14 years….?.

frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrom Hughy

.

Oopps …I gotta get that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR key fixed…………

.

Now…………….

It dont matter if mommy

kissed Santa Claus……..

It happens all the time to the

chubby old geezer……

He’s usually covered with soot and

reindeer poop……….

Its just a greeting kiss…………

Nothing that presents a problem

of any kind………

Do not worry about it Bunkster.

,

So it took you fourteen years to figger this deal out huh??????????????????????………………………

.

What do you call a santa that walks at a 45 degree angle????

.

SLANTA CLAUS.

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