Archive for July, 2011

Clyde Swiller from Pinch Tennessessee writes Dear Hugh: Whom was Mona Lisa?…..and Whym did Leonardo whatsizhead take the time to paint her Pitcher…?

.

From Hugh

.

Howdy Clyde…………Most peoples are unaware of any details about the elusive and enigmatic , but gregarious ,…Mona Lisa. Born in a Tuba factory in 1464…. Her real name was Gertrude Lapsquish. Gertrude changed her name due to being put in a witness protection program after ratting out two guys that were painting portraits of people using extracts from endangered species of water lilies. I know it sounds odd. But you asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

Mr Leonardo……….read about her plight in the local newspaper and decided to paint her pitcher so he would become famous for it. He actually used the illegal paint…..Which is shocking in and of  its self……..The look on her face was caused by a gallbladder infection…many people have wondered…NOW you know.

There is so much more history out there now….than there wonce was…….Feel free to ask me at any time about this stuff……History is another of my many areas of interest….and thorough research.



P. H. Alkalynne from Guzzlers Bluff , Arizona…..Writes Dear Hugh: What are the proper conjugations of the word “TEXT”? Past tents…present tents….pluperfect tense…..and nominative case reverse objective adverbish adjunct tense?

.

From Hugh

.

Forthughnately me and my staff of thousands are up on this stuff.

.

I text you…….He text me. …She text them…..We text her……They text him….they will have text those…..Those texted them….We all will have texted some of you uns……..We should have texted…..

.

They will have texted way too much

.

and their bill will be out of sight………

Gelslin Gerger from Fude’ Italy writes dear Hughy: Is it true that “a picture paints a thousand words”?

.

From Hughy

.

Are you kidding me Gelslin? Consider the pictures below. There is know weigh those rascals paint a thousand words each.(No combining allowed) Thusly, i have demonstraterized the fallacy  of the blanket statement.

I’m glad to do point it out. Think nothing of it.


Rotoe Tyller from Flingit Belgium writes Dear Hugh: Do you ever get butterflies in your stomach before important events or opening a utility bill…?

.

Howdy from Hughy

.

Rotoe …Thank you so much for this important inquiry about insects in the digestive tract. this is a subject that is not often covered in scientific literati…oronblogs.

.

But it is important for my readers to know.  the answer is …………………..NOidontget butterflies in my stomach before important events or opening various bills. I get fruit bats in my stomach. There are various genuses and species of the varmits………….but Im not sure which ones I get. All I know is…ITS FRUIT BATS. I hope that’s good enough.


A message in a bottle was found washed up in my yard. The message read simply……..My wife recently lost her glasses…Now she tells me that her contacts are gone too. What should I do?

.

From Ole Hughy

.

Dear Bottle: Regarding the lost glasses…….Simply tell her to drink out of styrofoam cups until you can run to the dollar store and get a new set.

.

Now the Contacts are a very different situation. Apparently your computer has gotten a virus that deleted all of em. I assume that you have this stuff backed up somewhere or perhaps have some of the same contacts on your cell foam. Simply retrieve the data by pressing the Autonomine Dibsplonder followed by cringing while waiting to see if its gonna work.

.

Otherwise…………simply panic.



Millicent Throckmorton from Blinkanmissit Tennessee: Dear Hugh: My husband Edwin refuses to take out the garbage. He also refuses to mow the yard. He is hesitant to trim the shrubbery and simply will knot cut down a dead tree that is leaning over the dog house. …What are your thoughts on this situation?

;

From Hughy

.

So, ……………………..what’s the problem?

.

It would be bad except for  the fact that.

.

My research indicates that you have 3 teenage boys……..Tell em to get busy. It builds character..and may save your dog house……(Edwin may need it from time to time…)

.

Now text them boys and get em moving…………………….

.

.



Adrianne Burpse from Squelch Oregon writes Dear Hugh: I am seriously considering getting a new hairdo. As one who has for many years been on the cutting edge of fashion trendiness, what is your advice for me in this regard and on this subject and at this time?….and Id like to follow up if I may or may not….I demand it.!!!!!!

.

From Fashionable HUGHY:

.

Well well…..If  it’s not Adrianne the Demander. !!!!!!  Whats up Burpse?  Look. I’ve seen your hairdo. You are wise to be rethinking continuing on with that debacle. Ever since you had it braided and tied in knots in the vague likeness of an Egyptian Sphinxoid…..You have been running the risk of ridicule from your peers ….and people your age that know you.

.

Only their desire to be kind has spared you up till now…..BUT SINCE YOU ASKED….I’m getting down to BRASS TACKS.

.

I reccccommmmed ( I cant ever remember how many “C’s” or “m’s” that word has) that you simply let it grow out……..and then twist it into a BUNN. Maybe you can mount a coffee strainer in it and offer the BUNN COFFEE MAKER COMPANY an incentive to hire you as a spokespersonage.



%d bloggers like this: