Archive for July, 2014

Today I got an email from someone who wanted to remain unanimous…..Fredler Muldorph in Falgswich Netherlands………Fred says simply this. Dear Hugh: I recently bought some aspirin over the counter. But I did not use it only as directed. I actually used one as a bookmark cause I couldnt find nothing else right that minute. I feel so guilty about what I’ve done. and I want to keep my identity secret and remain unaminous. Can i trust you?

 

From Hughy

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Howdy Fred: Of course you can trust me Mr. Muldorph. All the communications that I receive that I from the upper east side of Falgwich are automatically kept secret…..since so many clandestine operations emanate from there..

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I will say this , however,……………………….The whole scenario you have described is a difficult pill for me to swallow. Let’s turn the page on this whole thing…Close the book on it , so to speak. What you have done hear is far far worse than anything I wood have ever expectorated from the likes of your ilk.

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Straighten up.





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Motley Trudeaux from Ept Tennessee writes in today referencing yesterday’s insightful H.A.S. posting. Dear Hugh: What causes me to feel a need to take aspirin? ….and what is the most frequent cause of basic, simple, body aches and pains….?

From Hugh.

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Thank you so much for this opporthughnity to illucidate the unwashed throngs with the radiant beams of medicinal knowledge. We hear as H.A.S. are mower than glad to help.

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The definitive answer to both of your inquiries is simply this……….SOMETIMES YOUR BODY IS SIMPLY LOW ON ASPIRIN. ……..

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In a healthy human body,…Aspirin is produced in the Adjunct Matriculatoratory Gland (AMG) at the rate of roughly 1.2 gbt’s per second…From time to time, various and sundry factors confibulate the productory adules and present in a manner that adriptifies the gamulin. While this is generally misunderstood….It is still clear. And is what I said it is.

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So basically, If you eat foods that are rich in aspirin and other nutrients that facilitate aspirin production in the AMG you will be fine. Otherwise you will have to purchase a bottle full of Acetycilic Acid Tablets…………..Simply ask for Aspirin. That will be close enough.



Millicent Rundle from under a canvas awning in front of a boutique that is behind the First National Bank of Peoria which is located just north of the City Haul …..Writes dear Hugh: How many pitchers of a grandbaby can a grandpaw post to his FARCEBOOK wall within a month?…..without violating the NATIONAL GRANBABY PITCHER POSTING RULE ?

 

From Hughy

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Hi. Up till recently,…this has been a nebulous area of uncertainty. And a source of not knowing for mmany confused grand parents..

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I will clear the air on this issue NOW. ………..It is very simple. ANYONE WHOM POSTS MORE PITCHERS OF THEIR GRAND BABY Than I DO……Is posting too many. They are in violation of this clearly defined ruling. Let there be no mower confusion in this regard.

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Someone had to come along and set a reasonable standard in this crucial area of societal intralection. SInce, apparently, know won else was willing too do it…..I am willing to step into the breech.

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It’s just part of what we do hear at Hugh’s Answering Service.



Tim Smith from New York State writes dear Hugh: I was born in New York, in New England, close to New Hampshire and New Jersey…..What’s with all the “NEW” stuff up here? Why aint there any “new” states anywheres else?

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From Hugh

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Because I am so good at geometry…..I should know a lot about the location of states and stuff.

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Don’t forget…there is a NEW Mexico out west somewhere. If it weren’t for that, I would say that the phenomenon was isolaterized to a particular section of the country…..and that I could drive up to one of them new states and ask somebody.

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As it is, I am simply going to have to do something ……..that hurts me deeply…..and say …… I DON”T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What will this do to my credibility? Will H.A.S. survive this extraordinary admission on my part.?……..The plot thickens……………………..



Little Mikey Ratslinger from Tuscumby Alabama writes on this Thanksgiving Eve…Dear Mr Hughy: I just got a spanking for telling my mommy that I was thankful for all that I have learned from you. My hindquarters are sore and she made me say I was sorry for reading your posts. I’m gonna have to unsubscribe and my heart is broken. However she says I can have an old phone book to read. Goodbye ye ole giver of information!!!!!!!! I bid thee Adieu….and adieu……

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From Hugh

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Hey Mikey: I’m so thankful for your support over your whole life up till now. (all three years) You have wisely chosen to obey your mommy. …….

In time she will learn to appreciate the gems of knowledge that I freely cast out to the yearning masses. But be patient. And do what your mommy says.

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In times of crisis you can always mention H.A.S. as a possible solution. But do it from a distance.

Right now: Just be thinking of ALL the great things you have to be thankful for…..There are sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many many wonderful blessings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Willodean Gersop from St Louis Missouri writes in an utter panic…Dear Hughy…..the family came to my house for dinner today. I have worked myself silly, been cooking for three daze,…..and even dusted the top of the frigerator and mopped the floor with that fancy stuff. Now I have tons of leftovers and dont know what to do with em. what to you reccccommend?

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from Hughy

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Wellll Willodean, I suggest EMAILING THEM to friends who like the specific things you have left…..

There is a new app for the IPHONE that will digitally send squash casserole and green beans. (with only minimal mess)….If you have a Droid…

there is an app called FOOD FLINGER that will send even ham ,with bone included, to anyone else who has a Droid.

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these apps are still in BETA and are not yet perfected….but are really really good. You will , however, need to have your phone dry cleaned after sending two or three days worth of food.

Squash is bad to get stuck under the

“send” key on the Droid.

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You are welcome……

Dulcee Mure’ from Paris France writes dear Hugh: Do you have a photogenic memory?

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From Hugh

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Howdy Dulcee: What’s shakin over there in French Land….?  Your question is very very intuitive and insightful..plus , it has a big word in it…that will empress my billions of  daily readers.

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In fact I do have a photogenic memory. Photogerialismic scans of my brain always look really really nice……When I have pictures taken of my cranial contents, (once the laughter dies down among the technicians),…….the pictures always turn out in a stellar manner..

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There is one picture of my prefrontal lobomatan cortexual ganglia…that looked so good that various magazines vied for using it on the cover. But the only one I would license it to was a Bowling Alley Maintainance publication put out by a group of mechanics in upstate New York…….

Thanks for the opportunity to address this important aspect of things……..


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